Happiness Vs Joy

BigGirlz 

So about 2 years ago, my life changed dramatically, this BigGirl got hitched. Yup after dating a bunch of toads I actually kissed a Prince (that's funny as shit to me) but anywho it happened. The funny thing; that was NOT the goal. Ya see, BigGirlz after I crossed into the land of 40, really after 35, I took marriage off the table and was SOOO ok with that. I focused on me and all of the things that not only made me happy but brought me serious joy. And yes there is a difference between happiness and joy. For those who don’t know, Happiness is external and Joy comes from within. The events of life can steal your happiness but you control your Joy!!! That is a sermon for another day. In any case, Joy was the center and for the most part, if it didn’t foster Joy then it wasn’t welcomed. So the Joys of life was a priority for me. The short version of the story, I met a wonderful King, moved from my childhood home, (my only address with exception of college) and retired at 53 from a job that was beginning to suck the life out of my spirit. Pure Joy.  And as it goes,  

So what’s my point? Seek Joy BigGirlz. New shoes and dropping a few pounds will make you happy but true Joy is what will last. I’m moving on to the next one keeping joy as my focus every day.  

DATING BEYOND 50

Dating Beyond 50

BigGirlz,

Dating can be a challenge at any age, so don’t think issues are exclusive to younger women. Ya see, as women no matter the age we all struggle at some point with navigating the dating arena. Anything from momentary insecurities to second guessing the decision to leave the comfort of you couch. So what’s my point? Self navigation.

Huh?

As we get older, there are additional battles that commence in our mental. The added pressures of being “old” and single which means I’m single (hopefully…lol) either never been married, divorced or widowed. With the latter you hit the mark at least once but with the first one; oh hell, there is still a societal pressure to be married by now. If you are still single then “oh dear God, what is wrong with you?” Without constant self-affirmation that bullshit can wear on your mental state. Of course there are some exceptions but the majority of women either openly or secretly want a significant other in their lives. Now for all the closet feminists, just sit back and read and keep your comments to yourself.

Ok my seasoned BigGirlz here goes…

At this stage in the game of life we have to put our self-esteem issue to bed. If undervalued self-esteem is a battle for you, than dating will just add to your anxiety. Keep that in mind. Of course it’s possible to forge your way thru just stay aware of your battles when accepting dates. Whatever your age preference, here are a couple of tips I hope are useful:

1. Be confident. Even if you have to fake it. With age and grey (even if you dye the strands) there comes a perception that older women are confident and that confidence, not arrogance is viewed as appealing and downright sexy. Now in your confidence, don’t sell a product you can’t produce. Even as you fake your way thru stay true to who you are even if that truth is well hidden.

2. Don’t over share. Being older especially if you are comfortable in your skin, women have a tendency to over share. Stop it! He doesn’t need to know every intimate detail of your last vacation or grocery trip. Damn sure don’t discuss your marriage desires even if the subject somehow tips in that direction. Turn that ship toward the ocean. It’s a trap. Just gloss pass it without seeming evasive. If you’re not much of a conversationalist, do your homework. Look up some current events. Ask questions that are light, i.e. “where are you originally from”, “what sports are you into”, “do you like chocolate (lol).” It’s like preparing for an interview.


3. If you’ve selected to go on a date with a “younger” guy, don’t dress too trendy. That makes you look old and as if you are trying too hard. Keep it classy. If it’s a casual date, black jeans, moderate heels, cute top and polished accessories. Not too much. If in doubt peruse social media.

4. Always ALWAYS carry enough cash or credit to cover the check. I know that’s basic but we tend to forget. Sometimes paying the check and walking away is the best end to a funky encounter.

Dating is a challenge at any age. Don’t be afraid of it. Embrace the challenge and fight thru it. Comfort comes in repetition. Keep trying all the angst becomes worth it in the end.  I’m moving on to the next one with a glass of wine in my hand and a list of question in my purse.

Welcome To 2019

Welcome to 2019

New you, new…don’t even. The most over used and annoying phrase verbalized at the beginning of each new year. What a crock. New year new habits, new year new goals and even new year new perspective, but NOT new year new you PLEASE!!!!  Anywho, that is my brief rant for the day. So, BigGirlz it’s been awhile. Why? Well, I’ve wasted a lot of time performing task not related to my life goals or pressing toward my dream life. As a matter of fact, I’ve been watching more TV. Mindlessly watching TV; not focusing on it just starring at it and allowing time and life to just march on pass. Crazy.  Sitting and watching the result of someone else’s hard work instead of working on my own. Disappointing. So now what? Refocus and Restart. If you made it to this moment, then you’ve (I’ve) been given a do-over.  I’ve been given more time. No resolution, just an inner call to get off my ass and get back to what I’ve started. Sure accountability partners can assist but ULTIMATELY the responsibility of success is on me. Only I can make me get to cracking. Only I can push my ass forward. No big promised, just time to move.

Time 2 Clean

So BigGirlz we have officially hit the 3rd month of the year. Good ol March; Time for spring cleaning and spring release. Now if you didn’t succumb to the “Cling Ritual”, than at least half of your work is complete. For those who have no clue as to what “Fall Cling” is, in a Nutshell it’s the process of allowing someone in your life during the Fall in preparation for a winter cuddle buddy. There’s no relationship, commitment or hope of a future together. It’s a purely physical affiliation used to ward off the loneliness of a long bitter winter.  

HAHA! Anywho...on to spring cleaning and release.

Now Spring release should be seamless if you followed the rules when starting the cling process. You’ve moved past V-day and honestly your clinger should be on its way out and completely gone before the Easter Bunny drops a basket on your doorstep. Now, if the clinger is having a difficult time leaving or is stalling, then you need to stand firm, replay the startup rules and follow thru with the release. Feelings should be a non-factor. Again, stick to your rules. Reversely, if you are hesitant and/or reluctant to relinquish your duties as a clinger, prepare for fallout.

Ya see BigGirlz, you have falling into the release pit and have now exposed yourself to “clingers remorse”. Not a good look, not a good look at all!!!

So now what?

As usual my advice is to take it on head first and revisit the rules you should have outlined during the start up. It’s easy to get comfortable with “cuddles” but face it, is this really a situation you’d like to see forever?

Consider this, who is reaping the rewards of this collaboration? Now if both parties are giving equal effort and enjoying equivalent benefits, then it sound as if this cling session morphed into something more than initially constructed. BUT if you find yourself on the high end of a 60/40 or even 70/30 give and take, then shut that crap down. Grow a pair and move this exodus to closure.

 

BigGirlz, you’re wasting precious life moments on a dead end or useless situation. Time to clean. Clean out your clinger but most importantly, clean out your self-debilitating thoughts and actions. Don’t allow your comfort zone to become your crutch zone. Cut the cast from your habits and step into spring armed with motivation to do better and the desire to progress. De-clutter your thoughts and your actions will follow.  

I’m moving on to the next one, springing forward to a better me!!!

To Cuff or not to Cuff

To Cuff or not to Cuff…yep it’s still a question

BigGirlz,

I think we’ve dealt with this subject every year, so why should 2017 be any different. LOL The leaves have changed colors and are beginning to fall off the trees. The temps at night are dipping deep into the 40s and knocking on the door of the 30s. And now the thermostat battle has begun. Heat or no heat?
Bwahahahahaha

Well…Cuffing may or may not help with that decision. FYI we are in the peak of selection season so don’t drag your double-sock covered feet too long because the pickings get slim real quick! IJS

As I previously stated, we’ve hit this subject every year. In keeping with tradition, here’s to Cuffing Season AKA “Fall Cling”!!!

Now, if you’ve already made up your mind to rough it this winter, well, do you. Invest in a great electric blanket, purchase some flannel and you will survive. Trust me, been there done that! Yes I survived!!!

For those who want and plan to “Cuff”, let’s have a conversation. Ya see BigGirlz, in order to successfully navigate this Season of Cling, I strongly suggest you keep these few ideas in mind.

First and foremost, perform a mental stability check on yourself before you commit to cuffing. Why? Well, you need to be absolutely sure you can handle a seasonal/medicinal driven relationship. Remember this is TEMPORARY!!!! Do not go into this thing thinking this will be a good way to reel in that particular person you’ve been peeping all summer. NO!!!! Keep your feelings and emotions in check. Know that pillow talk can get real sexy and seductive however remember why that warm body is present. It’s not to say that time and texture can’t change this situation BUT stay the course. What could feel real may very well be a way to ensure the situation endures the full season. So again I say, a mental stability check is essential!

Second, be rejection ready. By that I mean just because you dance in the sheets (to keep warm of course) doesn’t mean there will be a public viewing of this partnership. You are are not his woman and he is not your man. You are classified as a Bed Warmer. That is all. Don’t get it twisted, men get sensitive too and have the ability to catch feelings. Be sure you both have clear and solid expectations before you start. If seeing him kicking it in public with another chic or his lack of open acknowledgement of you gets under your skin, it may be time to shut this process down. 

Third and what I feel is most important, an exit plan.
BigGirlz, you need both an emergency and end-of-season exit plan. Again, this is a temporary situation!!! Know how to end it if you start getting too attached. Also, if he shows signs of possession, have some balls and check that behavior immediately. Do Not; I repeat DO NOT let that shit ride. The end will become extremely messy if the lines are crossed. Keep in mind; he could be just shooting game to see how far and what can be gained from it all. Stay on your toes. Guard your heart. If at any point you decide this is too much for you, own your shit, tell him, “I can’t do this anymore”, cut your losses and go purchase that new blanket.

Bottom line BigGirlz, “The Cuffing Game” ain’t for everyone. Know your limitations and stay true to the mission.

I’m moving on to the next one. Warm body selected and blanket on standby…

Friend Zone?

BigGirlz,
What the what?

There’s a reason he hasn’t made a move to seal the deal.  You see, without saying a word, we allow ourselves to be available at all times. We answer calls, texts, emails and engage in anytime of the day or night conversations. We constantly share hopes, dreams and wishes.  As long as there’s a connection of some sort both parties are content. Contentment without any visible progress toward “more”; ladies that is the f****** Friend Zone. We get placed or even worse, we place ourselves in the Friend Zone. One of the best quotes I’ve heard as it relates to dating is: “if you can’t seem to find the girl or guy that completes you, try looking in your friend zone.” Why is that, well as usual I have a theory.  We get caught up in the Glamour and Glitz of our own fantasy world. In that world, we’ve created the most unrealistic mate and lifestyle imaginable. We create standards that are not only out of reach for a mate but even ourselves. PERIOD! Sorry BigGirlz, but real s*** ain’t always glamorous. Now let that sink in for a bit.

So let’s unpack this shall we. How, no…WHY we have allowed ourselves to sit comfortably in the friend zone, damn well knowing we want, desire and absolutely deserve more? My theory, we accept this placement for three reasons:  Boredom, Fear and/or Low self-esteem

Ahhhh…boredom. In the past and trust me that past wasn’t very long ago, I would often refer to dating as something or someone to do because I was bored.  So I would stay in contact with various people on a “just-in-case” basis. You know what I mean, make a random phone call and make up a lie. Something along the lines of “Hey was that your truck coming out of…” or “Listen I got a bike question for you” and then my favorite “Do you know anyone who fixes (you fill in the blank)”, full well knowing the conversation would steamroll from there. Again, I didn’t have anything else to do and that call would; keep the connection going, fill up some of my empty space and keep me fresh on his mind whether I wanted him or not. So I placed myself in the Friend Zone, just to be safe. Again, “just in case” I change my mind regarding that person(s). Guys do it so I figured why not? Now, I didn’t say the s*** was right or fair. FYI since karma is pretty accurate; I suggest you pick your victims wisely.

Anywho…

Another reason, I feel we piddle around in the Friend Zone is pure unadulterated fear. Fear of what? Fear of being alone. News flash, if your ass is in the Friend Zone, guess what, YOU ARE ALONE!!!! BigGirlz we have got to stop this madness. We get so focused on being alone that we become paralyzed within a temporary condition. Now I hear you grumbling already.  “How do you know…” and “I’ve been waiting FOREVER…” BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Ok “Miss Forever”, exactly how are you waiting? What are you doing while in this phase? Are you emitting vibes of desperation? You do realize men can smell/sense that shit, right?  Trust me, they can. I mean, I get it. Everyone, ok not everyone but most people want someone to share their meaningful moments.  But swimming in the Friend Zone short changes you. To be honest, while you are accepting the baby bits tossed out by Mr. Temporary, you could very well be missing out on Mr. LongTerm. Bottom line, get cho ass out of there!!

And now this last reason, for occupying the Friend Zone is low self-esteem. SHITTTT!!!!! Ok, I had to get that out. BigGirlz BigGirlz, society, family and fake-ass friends really have done a number on our psychic huh? Many of us look put-together, strong and ready to take on the world on the outside but truly are a mess on the inside. We’ve tried it all and at some point we failed to keep our esteem intact. Now I’m not referring to those who have moments of self-doubt but find ways to dig, pull and scratch their way out. Hell that comes in all shapes and sizes. No, I’m talking about the BigGirlz who live in a state of “I’m not good enough ever” gloom and doom stuff. Again, STOP IT!!!! If you continue to feed yourself that garbage, then eventually you won’t be good enough, not for the future him or the current you.

So how do you get out of Friend Zone Purgatory?  First, you have to want to get out. If he only views you as a friend, be that in a limited capacity. Cut off or at least reduce your availability. You don’t owe him your time and you’re not required to be there to fill his downtime. Screw that!!!

Second, stop stringing people along. If you don’t want his ass then let him go. Listen, if you’re not sure then have an honest conversation with the “just in case”. Give it true evaluation. Third and what I feel is most important, get real with yourself, decide what it is you really want and get your ass off the fence. Remember, no decision is a decision. Participate in your own damn destiny, GEEZ!

As women, often times we forget to make ourselves a priority. We’re so busy taking care of others that we neglect us. The time is now BigGirlz, if you want bigger, better and more than you have to grow a pair (you know what that means) and TRY!  Conquer the mind and thoughts, then you will find yourself in a better and more productive zone. Grow, foster and nurture self-confidence (a women’s most sexy trait). Begin building your life around you and the rest will fall in place.

I’m moving on to the next on, screw the Friend Zone; I have better things to do…

Unlikely Fumes

BigGirlz,

Are you running on Unlikely Fumes? Yes I said Unlikely Fumes.

Ya see at one time or another we've all generated an unlikely thought. What do I mean, well of course I'll explain. 

As defined, unlikely means something is doubtful, improbable or questionable. For instance, you could have goals but create a thought process that says it is doubtful I will reach my desired weight; it’s improbable I will ever find a suitable mate or even questionable I will come close to achieving a life of fulfillment.

Unlikely Fumes...

BigGirlz, we have to learn to move beyond the unlikely and channel our inner foundation of absolute success.

Ya see BigGirlz, as most of you know I write about and discuss subjects that are close to me. Trust me, I'm well versed at meandering thru Unlikely Fumes. Weight, mate and life are just a couple of subject permeating my life’s atmosphere.

Fume #1: Let's start with weight. SHIT!!!!!

First and foremost you have to be happy with you. If there is an issue, you have to take the steps to change, modify, fix, correct (yes I can go on) it. In my mind when your size prevents you from enjoying various aspects of your life a decision has to be made. Change you or change what you like to do. So once again talking about myself, I decided to endure the challenge of losing some pounds. Again, not to fit into societal norms but to:  

1.   Stop my damn knees from hurting

2.   Climb a couple flights of stairs without feeling as if my damn lungs were going to jump out of my chest and say "heffa you're on your own, we're tired" LOL

3.   Fit in a roller coaster seat and/or sit comfortably in an airplane seat (no extender belt)

See, when you have what seems to be a larger than life ass, (giggle giggle) those simple little things can be a freaking challenge. So what was so Unlikely about that...well, I knew I could lose a few pounds but was unsure of the longevity of keeping it off. Bottom line BigGirlz I had to take control of not just my eating but my thoughts. You’re not just what you eat but you become your most consistent thoughts. I had to KNOW that I could make that change and believe that not if but when I fall off the wagon, I could climb right back on and keep pushing toward my goal. Am I there yet, close, but I have resolved in my mind that I WILL. No room for doubt.

Fume #2: The Mate (Oh Lord)

BigGirlz, I started this blog because of the countless discussions I was either pulled or jumped into regarding dating as a plus size woman (I don't really care for that particular term, but whatever). Note the blog name, Dating not Marriage, why? Because in my mind dating was as far as I could imagine for my life, especially at this stage of the game. Marriage was a big ass Unlikely Fume. Hell, I didn't take dating serious. I wasn't looking for a mate. For what? What I realized while I was working to reduce the amount of junk in both my trunk and mind, (super focused on me) there was a different plan being constructed on my behalf. How? Well, as I purged my mind of the 'improbable’ in many aspect of my life, things began to change. I’ll forgo the clichés, sort of… As I changed so did my habits, thoughts and aura (Y’all know I’m all about aura). Positive flocks to positive. You see BigGirlz I can actually see me becoming a wife. Hell, who knew right? lol

Fume #3: Life Fulfillment

Damn, isn't that what living not existing is all about? Apparently I missed the mark in my jacked up thinking patterns. Fulfillment comes from within, at least for me. As always I’m referring to me in these scenarios. Point, only you can determine your level of satisfaction. Maybe cars and cash or friends and family hold the wealth of your fulfillment. In either case a life of fulfillment should not be based on what others have planned for you. Ya see BigGirlz I had it ALL wrong. I thought it would happen at each milestone reached. You know, College Graduation, increased salary (trust me it ain’t like that…lol) or even traveling the world, ok a few places in the world. Nah…think about it after each accomplishment most of us are looking for the next thing to do. I’m not saying those things won’t enhance your life or even bring you joy. What I am saying is after all is said and done, when you are alone and left to your own devices are you happy? Can you sit back and think if I drew my last breath right this very second would I have regrets?  Hmmmm….

Have I made some F’d up decisions, ABSOLUTELY! Can I go back and fix/change them, hell naw. Do I let those things hinder me from moving forward, NOPE! BigGirlz, I seriously thought that fulfillment would come from things outside of me. WRONG!! For me, fulfillment truly is a “place of my self-content”. Once again, who knew? 

I do, now!

Unlikely Fumes, be gone. I’m moving on to the next one fumigating my mind so thoughts of Unlikely have to dissipate.