Why Are You Dating (Marriage, Companionship or Self Discovery)?

Why Are You Dating (Marriage, Companionship or Self Discovery)?

BigGirlz,

Do you have dating goals? It seems to me that if setting goals is necessary in other aspects of your life (e.g. get out of debt, lose weight, go back to school), then shouldn’t the same be expected when it pertains to dating? Or is that just too damn much to deal with? Bwaahahahahaaha

Let’s dive in and see what happens...

First, I think it is important to know why you are dating in the first place. I know this may sound a bit off but really if you think about it, it’s very possible, no extremely likely that people date for different reasons. With that, I’ve narrowed dating to what seems to be the Big 3: Marriage, Companionship and Self-Discovery.

Now, some of you are already twisting up your nose and thinking “what the hell is she on now?” Just bear with me on this, ya see not everyone is looking for a husband (or wife if that’s your flip). Think about it…One of the biggest issues folks discover on a date or when dating is she is looking for a husband and he is just out to have fun and nothing more. If you have clear expectations from the beginning, the majority of the hurt feelings can be avoided.

So back to the categories…

Self-Discovery

Often times BigGirlz we are unsure as to who we really are. Your 20 year old self could and should be very different from the 30 or 40 year old you. Sure you still like to go out and “party” but has your definition of party remained the same? I doubt it. For example at 20 it may not have been a big deal to drink shots on an empty stomach, dance all night, drank a little more, eat White Castles, puke in the middle of the night, sleep for a  couple of hours and then go to work and fully function. At 30 and 40, your concept of “party” may be a bit more subdued (at least I hope so since the older we get the lengthier the recovery time).

Just as your definition of party has changed maybe your dating purposes have as well. A part of self-discovery is figuring out what currently ignites your buttons. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having preferences (we’ve discussed that in previous post). BigGirlz do you have a clue what you really like? If you were asked to describe the perfect date, could you? Do you have any idea the type of person it would take to bring that scenario to fruition? Beyond all of that, is what you imagined even possible with you? Some women struggle with knowing what they actually like. Dating can be a great way of narrowing that to a manageable frame work. To get there, first you have to be honest with yourself and your “victim” or “specimen” from the start. Own up, at least to yourself, that you’re unsure as to what you want or even like. Pay attention to everything but most important, be yourself. Second, keep the date casual and light. Nothing romantic. If you feel as if the date is moving in an uncomfortable direction or pace, put on the brake. Get in tune with your own boundaries. If you don’t know what those are, by the end of the date, you will.   Don’t be afraid of open dialogue. As a matter of fact, start the dialogue. Often times, men are happy to know that you are NOT looking for a husband. It removes the pressure.

Companionship

BigGirlz, once again be honest with both yourself and your victim. If companionship is the goal, then own up to that desire. Stop pretending you’re just dating to date. Lies, all lies…LOL. We all get tired of going out with the girls and/or rolling solo dolo. What’s wrong with admitting your longing to spend time with the opposite sex? NOTHING!!! As I repeat, be honest with yourself. You really should share your position and feelings with that particular person of interest. There are ways to share your thoughts without adding pressure to him or ruining the situation. (Conversation tips are a subject for another day). In either case, pay attention to his conversation and body language. Trust me it will speak volumes. Accept it for what it is and be prepared to lose a couple of prospects. Ya see he may be going through his “self-discovery” phase. Like walking down a dark street alone, be aware of your surroundings and his signals. If the two of you are not on the same page don’t let it fester, address it and move forward with or without him.

Marriage (The Big “M”)

BigGirlz BigGirlz, this one can be a bit rough. Ya see often times folks are looking for a “partner for life” but are either afraid to admit it or don’t want to put in the work to make it happen. If this is truly your goal, I have but one point of advice for you to consider. Become wife material. Not Hoe in waiting or Side Chick available. BigGirlz we get so caught up in looking for a husband and writing off those we encounter that we forget the “me factor”. So as you maneuver through, for the third or fourth time I want to remind you to HONESTLY take inventory of your credentials. Get healthy (which doesn’t necessarily mean lose weight), clean your DAMN house (oops that’s for me…LOL), get your finances in order, get your attitude together, be lovable to yourself. If you don’t love you, how in the blue hell do you expect someone else to, seriously? Focus on being the best you possible. I guarantee while you’re working on you, your husband-to-be is working to ensure he is prepared for you.

I’m moving on to the next one updating my credentials just in case my companionship goal morphs into something else…I’m Just Saying.

Are you the Queen of Sabotage?

Are you the Queen of Sabotage?

BigGirlz, I don’t know anyone who could reflect on their past and not find at least one “do over” situation. Whether it stems from a decision made out of anger, fear or lack of knowledge, we all can easily find something we’d like to return to the scene of the crime to either fix or erase. As a matter of fact, many of us won’t have to reflect very long or even scroll back very far in our minds to pick out what I also refer to as an “Ah Damn It” type of event. It’s life.

As you review and reflect I need you to add a filter to this search, Relationships, Dating and all things related. Are you finding numerous “Ah Damn Its” and Do Overs? Are they laced with Shouldha Couldha Wouldha? If not, this post won’t pertain to you. If you’re rolling your eyes at the very thought, then grab some wine (or whatever’s your favorite poison) and sit back; this journey is for you. Hey my eyes are rolling all over the place so you are not alone.

When it comes to Sabotage, I’m not sure if I wear a queen’s crown but a princess tiara is definitely in order. Ya see BigGirlz, my do overs and such range from giving the wrong person my number to allowing a 3^rd and 4^th chance.

See I’m not talking about Sabotaging a relationship with a potential mate, OH NO! I’m referring to the relationship we have with our inner peace and self contentment. Ya see BigGirlz we have a tendency to Sabotage our happiness.

Let’s back up. Now for all you Super Saints, Holy Rollers and Quick to Judge Church Folk, yes we’ve all heard it “Joy, the world didn’t give it and the world can’t take it away”, yeah yeah yeah. We know and it sounds fabulous but that’s not what I’m talking about. In the real world, many of us have an “overall” joy BUT struggle with specific life pockets that make us unhappy; and had we listened to our gut instinct, we wouldn’t have to deal with that “Ah Damn It” moment that remains fresh in our minds.

And now back toward my point…Ah Damn It

BigGirlz, I don’t know about you but most of my Ah Damn Its are connected to a Bored.com moment. You know, Idle mind stuff but even that is not an excuse at least not a valid one.

So why do we do it? What I have noticed, when there is a Void in our lives instead of just transforming that Void into a reflective or recovery time, we rush to fill it with something/anything that will prevent us from dealing with that empty space. Not realizing that Voids are neither the end nor forever. Voids are often an appointed place holder for restoration of the mind and spirit; forced appointments to clean-up mental mess or even re-introduce ourselves to our purpose. It is by filling that Void with meaningless crap, we disrupt what could have been a re-connection or a reinforcement of our inner peace.

Now you’re probably thinking what the Hell does this have to do with dating? Well here it is:

1.    If you are out of sync with yourself you will date anything. For example “Yeah, I know he used to be with one of my friends but it’s just a date(or dinner or a movie.) It’s not like it’s anything serious. You’re correct the encounter may not be serious but the fallout behind it… Is it really worth it?

2.    Lack of mental clarity clouds your thinking as well as your judgment. “He wasn’t THAT bad. Now that we know each other better, things will be different…” BULLSHIT, the only thing that’s changed is the day. Sure people change but have you? Have your expectations? Are things that your previous relationship lacked, no longer valid to you? Don’t down grade just to say you have somebody.

And here is my favorite

3.    He’s just something to do until I meet the real thing. Bwaahahahahahaha are you F’ing kidding me? Lord knows how many times I fed that stupid shit to myself. Let’s be honest here BigGirlz, How the hell are you going to meet “the One” if you are preoccupied with Mr. Something to Do? IJS

Bottom line, stop Sabotaging your well being and worth with temporary garbage. Deal with the Void, its ok. Use it to embrace, enhance and elevate the true spirit of you. Remember darkness cannot exist in a will lit place.

I’m moving on to the next one dancing a jig all the way through my Void. Tell me, what chu got?  

Feasting On The Lies

BigGirlz,

What type of Bullshit are you feeding yourself?  Why do I ask? Well, not long ago I was a part of a discussion that brought to the forefront how much we lie to ourselves in order to make it through. Through what…Dating/Relationships/Singlehood/Lifeshit. These lies over time become notorious isolating walls created for the protection of our vulnerable spirits. And I get it, no one wants to be hurt and after it’s happened on numerous occasions it’s a lot easier and much safer to withdraw to a fortress meticulously constructed from past hurts, broken relationships, stupid decisions, misguided trust, insecurity and so on. 

Hiding is NOT the answer. 

Sure the lies help you to appear strong and stable. And we all know that if you repeat it to yourself enough, it will become your “truth”; however the void you have suppressed will eventually ooze to the surface at the most inopportune time and more than likely mask itself as something you will believe is unrelated. Even worse that tumoristic void will attach itself to a separate situation that you will dismiss as “I was just pissed”.

Time to stop the madness!!!

So BigGirlz, how do we begin to move beyond our walls? How do we break the cycle of falsehood and release our imprisoned spirits from our self perfected fortress?

First we must identify the lies we continuously play in our heads. Yes I realize we can and often do get caught up in our own bullshit, but identifying the lies shouldn’t be that difficult (SHOULDN’T is the Key word here).

Next we have to erase these jacked up messages from our head by replacing the negative with positive thoughts and actions.

Are you with me? Let’s give it shot…

First off, give yourself permission to openly want it. IT?  You know a man/a relationship. In this day of the “Independent women” where wanting a Good Man in your life seems to be heavily frowned upon, women openly proclaim their lack of need for such foolishness yet when home alone, whine and cry over that specific forbidden desire. As I said, it’s ok to want it! Just because popular opinion states you shouldn’t want the “IT”, doesn’t mean it’s correct or even for you. Be a true independent woman and follow your own path, not the one created by others.

Secondly acknowledge the normalcy of wanting to have a mate. It is natural to want companionship. You don’t have to lose who you are by having someone to share in your life experiences. As a matter of fact the right connection will further enhance the true you. Being with someone should not cause or ever force you to cross over into “Himville”. This is a complementary partnership not a freaking takeover.

Lastly, be open without settling. His ass is and will not be perfect. Neither were you before you finished your hair and makeup (Bwaahahahaha…I’m just saying). Again, be open. For example, when I see people doing things or acting in a way that I think is questionable or jacked up (so to speak), normally I shake it off with “Errbody wasn’t raised by my momma” and keep it moving. Good or bad, it’s true. What that really says is their life experiences may have been very different from mine. Who’s to say that all my actions are what my parents intended? Maybe you just witnessed an out of character moment. We’ve all had those. Just don’t allow that one glimpse to be the end all be all. I’m not saying ignore a consistent showing of that moment of glory but maybe step pass the 1^st act and see what the next scene reveals. Trust me, the real being will definitely shine through plus rarely is an in-tune gut ever wrong. The basic foundation of the real him could flawlessly exist. Maybe the structure is loose or needs some adjustments. No I’m not saying take him on as a fixer-upper project however it is amazing what a fresh coat of paint can do to an old room. Ya never know, you could be that perfect spark that triggers his spirit to align with yours.

Bottom line BigGirlz, it’s time to purge our minds, thoughts and spirits and begin the process of living in reality. Don’t let the opinions of others and the self developed lies prevent you from seeking the fulfillment of your heart’s desire. Win or lose what’s life without the adventure of trying…BORING AS HELL!!!!

I’m moving on to the next one, while stretching my thoughts beyond my own experiences.

WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?

Why Are You Single?

BigGirlz, I don’t know about you but I get real F’ing tired of the “Why are you single” question. It’s usually followed by “you’re so pretty” or “you’d make a good girlfriend/wife”. Blah blah blah…Trust me there is a reason. There’s ALWAYS a reason. Sometimes it’s a pure numbers game; more “mentally” available women than men. Note I said “mentally” available, meaning a lot of single men are enjoying the spoils of having multiple women in their lives and are not ready or lack a need/desire to settle down or be with just one woman.

Sometimes it’s pure location. I’ve read were Louisville is ranked in the top 40 of one of the worst cities for being single…yippee!!!!  And then it’s the “Us Factor”. What are we looking for in a male? Are we realistic? Are we living in fantasy land or are our values so messed up that it’s challenging to even figure out the differences? I know I’m not the only one.

But anywho BigGirlz, let’s flip the script. Have you ever met someone and just as you’ve been asked a million times, you think to yourself, “dang why is this man single? He has his own shit: as in car, home and money, goes to church, owns a suit (ok so that’s one of my requirements) and likes to go places. Really seems to enjoy life…hmmm.” What’s up with that? Well, as I just said, there’s ALWAYS a reason.

You see BigGirlz, sometimes (and I’m just talking about me) we get so caught up in the checklist/search that we overlook what’s really there. It’s very easy to hide behind a facade of perfection especially if your inner is beyond flawed and dangerously fucked up.

BigGirlz, I recently encountered a person who met every aspect of my check list. Seriously! I was both amazed and skeptical. Why skeptical…because my gut kept saying “something just doesn’t feel quite right”. And you all know my “inquisitive ass”; I had to dig until my gut was satisfied. I had to know what it was that just wouldn’t allow my spirit to back down and rest. So after multiple phone conversations and dinner I nailed it! This man although, normal on the outside, had not a freaking idea who he was. He identified himself with various people he felt he either resembled or shared like skills. For example, in his mind he had culinary skills that match Emeril Lagasse SO he would refer to himself as Lil’ Emeril (changing the reference in order to protect the stupid) or in his mind, he felt as if he resembled a particular R&B singer SO he also referred to himself as Lil’ *blank*. You get where I’m going. Bottomline, “Who Are You?” He would even brag about how he has all of his own shit, made good money, took care of his own responsibilities…NEWS FLASH dumb ass that’s what grown men dooooo!!!! Yes I get it there are many lazy and sorry ass men (and women) out there looking for someone to take care of them but don’t be so arrogant about it.

Back to my point, yes he met the initial criteria. He was very adamant about him being an excellent catch for any women. You see he had it all. Everything society determined as ‘perfect’. Yep the perfect facade. He was everything to everyone in his family circle. You know the type, perfect son, best cook (I tasted that shit and in my Maury voice, “that’s a lie”) ideal father and model Christian. He was so busy being all of those things that he skipped the part where he was to be a real person to himself. He looked good on paper but in reality, not so much. My point, a check list is not enough, that’s surface crap.

BigGirlz, we have to dig deeper not just with what we desire in a mate but what we desire in ourselves. If you’re comfortable with facades and pretense then hey go for it. Do a check off and keep it moving. Now if you’re needs go beyond surface, then you might want to re-evaluate your list.  Ya see my check list didn’t cut it. My list only dealt with the things that can easily fade. Key word, THINGS!!! What about spirit, what about character? Damn, did I miss the mark. Which brings to mind a different thought, “what in me is drawing empty ass people like him?” Unfortunately it’s not the first time I’ve attracted that type of Jackass to my being. What/where are my inner flaws?

Hmm….sounds like investigation for a future post.

Anywho, I’m moving on to the next one restructuring my check list and evaluating my aura ‘cause something ain’t right about this mess….

PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

BigGirlz regularly I challenge you to “try something new” or do things differently when dating. Often, we will publicly proclaim “next time I’m going to try it another way.” We say it, claim to accept it but do we follow through? On several of my tips and hints to dating, I’ve dared you and even myself to go a different route, change your prospective and step out of your comfort zone when the opportunity presents itself, but are we really brave enough?

Change can be a difficult animal to harness even for the most liberal and flexible minded, however not only is change good it is downright necessary. Where am I going with this? Glad you asked. You see, even I can and have fallen into a rut of comfort and familiarity. So to shake it up a bit, I stepped way WAY out of my comfort zone and accepted an invitation from someone so different from my rule that it was almost shocking. When I say we were extreme opposites, I truly mean in every aspect i.e. rural vs. city, white vs. black, thin vs. thick, blue collar vs. white collar and I could go on. 

BigGirlz, now here is the back story. Before I accepted the invite, I thought of every excuse to turn this man down. I admit it, I panicked and then all of my own advice started to flood my thoughts. How hypocritical of me. Was I afraid to try something new? So I began to process my own words and actions. Feeling convicted I agreed to the date. How did I get to a yes? Well first I took a big ass deep breath to clear my thoughts and poured an even bigger glass of wine (no surprises there). Then I began to process the why and why nots. For example, what will people think, he’s so young, he’s white… (STOP RIGHT THERE!) Was that it? Was that my apprehension? WTH? Peel off all of the excuses and the bottom line, he was white. What a flippin hypocrite. That shit made it real. When did I become conscious regarding the race line? Damn!! It never matter before did it? Have I changed? Is this a real or imagined issue? In that instant, it was real. “Could I go home with him, would I allow him to meet my friends, does he own a suit, what about church…” All of this over a damn date? Reality check, it was a date not a contract for marriage. Dang physician, heal thyself. Although the initial concerns were valid I believe them to be way premature and now halfway through my 2^nd glass of wine I got over my hang-up, solidified my yes and proceeded to prepare my strategy (something I’m accustomed to performing before venturing out with a new person. Yeah we can talk about that in another segment…LOL).

You see BigGirlz, we all struggle at various times with different aspects of dating. Where the struggle ends is when you manage to press through. Now I’m not saying defy your gut instinct, cause if your gut gives you warning to stay away for a particular person then by all means, do it. But what I am saying is fight pass the fear. We paralyze ourselves 90% of the time by not being willing to push our way to the edge of what we have yet to experience or see. Don’t let the bullshit that floats and at times resides in your mind be a block to attempting something different.

So I pushed through. I accepted my discomfort called “fear” and moved beyond it. What was most ironic about this entire ordeal (wait for it…) the date never happened. That’s right the day before we were to go out “something came up” for him. Bwahahahahahahaha…

What a teachable experience for the “teacher”. If we are open and honest with ourselves something can be gained from every situation. There are times that we/I get so accustomed to dealing with surface actions and reactions that we/I veer away from dealing with our own layers. All of this triggered a re-introduction to self. In other words “Me this is Myself, Myself meet Me. Me, Myself this is I. I, meet Me and Myself”. Sound silly? Is it? When you really dig you find out things regarding you that were either forgotten or never realized.

Me, Myself and I are moving on to the next one drinking wine and “honestly” outlining what it is we really want in a mate…cheers!!!

V-Day is Coming!!!!!

Well BigGirlz,

We made it past the pit falls of being single during Christmas and New Year's Eve. YEAH! Hopefully the scars were minor and you were able to slap on a band-aid and keep it moving. For those who are still feeling wounded and are barely limping along, I strongly suggest you go into hiding now cause the day of "Love" is just around the corner. That's right Valen-"when is my time" Day is fast approaching. Yippee-Flippin-Yeah.

UGH!!!

Now many of you will go into the stage of denial by proudly boasting "Oh that crap doesn't bother me" or "I can buy my own damn candy", and my favorite, "I'll just send myself flowers on that day". Shut the hell up!! I get sick of hearing that Bullshit because you miss the freaking point. Sure we can all buy or pamper or even treat ourselves on that day. Material crap is not the point and if you're at least a little bit honest with yourself you will admit that what you and most normal, living and breathing women (and men too) would like to have someone in your life to share your heart, mind and soul with in an honest and equal capacity. If you can sit there and honestly say "nope not me I'm good living, existing and functioning in this monogamist relationship with myself, then please take your cold clammy dead ass back to the hole from which you crawled and continue lying to yourself, because the rest of us are trying to create a mentally and physically inviting place and space that is conducive to giving and receiving love!!

Sorry for my slight rant BigGirlz...hahahahahaha but that crap annoys me just a bit.

Ok, where was I...

Oh yeah, the infamous day of love is upon us. So BigGirlz, I have a few suggestions that may help you cope with being single on V-day:

• Hide - If it's all too much for you than just stay home. Stock your frig, order Netflix and stay in bed. By all means stay away from all forms of social media. I guarantee, someone will be posting some photos of the roses they received or even worst the ring they just accepted.

• Clean your place - For some, cleaning is therapeutic (yeah, I pass on that one).  Instead of sulking, start the vacuum, load the washer, pull out the Windex and get the dried toothpaste spatter off the bathroom mirror. DO SOMETHING other than dwelling on what's missing from your love life. 

Now on to my favorite way to cope

• Call your girls - That's right, call the crew. You supply the wine or beer, someone order pizza and/or wings and someone provide the place. Eat, drink and ignore the balloon and roses mania going on around you.

Bottom line BigGirlz, being single on V-day is not the end of the world. In order to get through it without spiraling to the pit, you have to want to survive. Conquering your thoughts is 80% of the battle and finding something to do with yourself is the remaining 20%(although I'm thinking 19% something to do and 1% wine). Life is to short to dwell on what's missing at the moment. Your time would be better served focusing on improving the inner you. If you work on the inner the outer will follow suit.

In the meantime, I'm moving on to the next one with a glass in one hand and all the fixins needed to create the ultimate chocolate martini lined up in front of the other. Now that's a box of chocolates I can appreciate!!!  Cheers!!