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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Geezer Magnet

Big Girlz are you a Geezer Magnet…?

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating an older man. Do whatever or whoever makes you feel comfortable.  My question is does it seem that 2 out of 5 men that approach you are at least 20 – 30 years your senior?  I know it’s not just me.

Back when I was a teenager, about 15 or 16, I notice how older men constantly hit on me. At that stage in my life, I found the whole thing freaking creepy.  Often it was said to me, “Girl you and those baby making hips…” disgusting!!!  Yes I was and still am double blessed with hips and ass (yippee).  Is and was that the draw? Lately I’ve had my share of “Geezers” flirting.  Maybe it would be different if they were “easy on the eye”. LOL…ok maybe not.  20 years plus is WAY past my comfort range.  Hell, 10 – 15 puts them in a number bracket that I just can’t seem to mention without grimacing.  Man do I have issues.

Ok let’s talk about this…

If dating older (as in 20 years +) sounds appealing, then there are a couple of things you need to keep in mind:
1.   Be prepared to start the date earlier than you are accustomed. Say for instance you’re 40, if he is 20 years your senior, that’s going to put him in the 60 plus bracket.  Beginning a date 9:00 pm may be a bit much.  Don’t expect him to want to “party” until 3:00 or 4:00 am.  Adjust your thinking. You have to practice some flexibility.  I’m not saying give up everything you desire for he has to step up his game as well. I’m sure you’re not his first “younger” woman, so he probably has an idea what he may encounter.  Just be mindful of what may or may not work.
2.   Pick a spot of mutual interest.  If he is into Blues and you’re into Hip Hop, maybe your middle ground is a club that offers R&B.  A great suggestion would be to find a place that features a “versatile” live band. If you’re lucky they may provide music you both can appreciate.

3.   Be yourself. Compromising and being flexible is great but never to the point that you stop being YOU.  If things just aren’t jelling, move on.  Older men and women too, are set in their ways. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can change this man. ( NOT going to happen) If things seem to be progressing at a pace that feels right, then by all means continue to enjoy.

Just like any potential relationship it can only flourish if you nurture it with truth and honesty (I know what I sound like, don’t remind me).  Keep it real not just with him but more importantly with yourself.  At the end of the day the way you feel about yourself is what really matters.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Dating a Younger Man

Oh my, this could be interesting territory.  The older I get the more I’m approached by younger men.  Now stereotypically, when men go younger it’s perfectly acceptable but if a women dares to cross that 10 year plus line, we have to endure being labeled a “cougar”. Why am I considered a predatory female if I date younger men.  Societal labels suck, but as I’ve always been taught, “it’s not what they call you but what you answer to” that counts. 

Now, let’s talk about this cougar thing for a moment, shall we?
According to the informal definition states:

…an older woman who seeks sexual relationships with much younger men: He's in his twenties, but he prefers cougars in their forties and fifties to young women his own age.

Seeks?  WTF? As you can see I’m not real happy with that definition so I continued to dig. had a more “tolerable” short definition that states:

: A cougar is an older woman who is primarily attracted to and has sex with significantly younger men.
However as it goes into a more in-depth explanation, the predatory crap returns:
The most commonly-accepted definition of a cougar is a woman 40 years of age or older who exclusively pursues very young men. The onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.

Typically, cougars prey (there’s that word again) upon men almost young enough to be their sons. Thus fortysomething cougars would be attracted to men in their 20s, and fiftysomething cougars would pursue men in their 30s and so on. Some cougars are less interested in a relationship than a sexual conquest, perhaps enjoying the fact that they are physically appealing to men who are considered to be in the prime of their virility.
Are you kidding me? So what is it called when the younger man pursues you? I just don’t get it.  Anywho…back to my original thought.

The older I get, the more I’m approached by younger me. Younger men seem to have no since of fear when it comes to approaching older women.  The possibility of rejection means nothing. They just go for it. Ya have to love that, at least I do. It has been my experience to find these men confident and poised. I don’t mind saying it’s a great confidence boost to have someone ten to fifteen years my junior ask me out. It forces me to monitor my appearance before walking out the door. 

Have I ever taken any of these guys up on their offer? You’re Damn Skippy I have. Side note, don’t use the term “damn skippy” while out with one of these guys, not cool. LOL… It was fun and well worth both our time.  Enough said!!!
Now if you dare to venture in this area, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
·         Be yourself – if the latest slang is way outside your realm of thinking, leave it there.  No need sounding like a fool. The last time I checked the Kings English still works well when communicating.

·         Be open – you never know what you may learn. The two of you are from somewhat different worlds which both of you will have a perspective that is unique to one another. Explore it.

·         Don’t preach to him – just because you may have graduated high school with his mother doesn’t mean he needs for you to act like her when you’re out.

·         Try it at least once – why not?

·         Be honest – if the pressure is too much for you then let it go.

·         Be comfortable in your own skin – you have to be comfortable with you no matter who you date.  Be prepared for some odd looks and some raised eyebrows, especially from family and friends.  People have a tendency to react to your situation using their personal fears and inhibitions.  Remember it’s your life. Screw what others think.  Know what you want – if sex is it then let that be known. If it’s companionship, go for it. 

If it works out, great and if not so what; life is all about the experience.  Don’t be afraid to try something or someone different; who knows you just might like it and if not well…on to the next one!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Warning Fall Cling Cometh....

Normally I would have placed this article in my BigGirlThoughts Blog, but this could be beneficial as a dating warning, so here goes

Fall Cling…

Damn, it’s that time of year again, “Fall Cling.”  You do know what that is right?  It’s the annual migration of ex’s back in to your presence.  In other words the first sign of the seasons beginning to change toward cooler temperatures and now your phone is ringing off the damn hook. 

Normally on the other end of the line is a voice you haven’t heard in months calling to “see how you been doing”, translation do you have a mate  I’m looking for someone to hook up with before it gets cold.  Fall Cling is the first leg of the “Cycle”.  Now let me explain the Cycle for those who may not have heard this one.  The Cycle is just that a cycle of events going from hook up to break up that that spans from the Fall through Winter and wrapping up at “Spring Break”.

We explained Fall Cling above.  During that time things get real chummy between you and whoever is the flavor of the month.  Chummy but the initiator is sure to not let the unsuspecting victim get too comfortable in this “relationship” of convenience.  Now to maintain status and a comfortable or should I say “warm” position, the initiator remains visible and regularly accessible during the upcoming holiday season. They are around for fun during Halloween, will make an extended appearance at Thanksgiving dinner, and will even present you with a thoughtful gift at Christmas.  Aww…

Now, on to New Year’s Eve and Day.  This is the beginning of the end so pay attention.  You spend that evening together but it’s not quite what you had hoped or expected. It was OK, mediocre at best. Even further, during the month of January subtle changes in attitude begin to formulate.  Not enough to get removed or booted from the position because winter is far from over, but little tidbits that can be used as a means of escape for later.  It’s like leaving a trail of bread crumbs so you won’t get lost.  Things such as still affectionate but not as much, kinda like he use to rush to open doors for you but now if he beats you to it fine and if not, you can open it yourself. Another one, he or she would wait and take incoming calls after you finished your conversation or they would at least say excuse me before answering, now they just answer.  They no longer cut the phone call short to continue giving you their undivided attention.  And my favorite, he or she no longer introduces you to people you run in to while out and about.  I love that one.  And when you mention it, they swear you’ve been introduced to that person on a previous encounter.  Makes it sound real convincing and when you don’t fall for it you get this pathetic apology, “my bad I would have sworn I had introduced you before”, bogus!!

On to the grand finale, Valentine’s Day or should we call this the “freedoms gate”.  Valentine’s Day is the day for love and couples right, not for you.  It is on this day that you receive the most thoughtless gift you can imagine.  This sparks both hurt feelings and possibly a knock down drag out argument.   You’ve been truly let down blindsided if you will.  The wedge in the relationship has been skillfully placed. Throughout the remainder of February the two of you are constantly digging and picking at each other over the least little things.  You start to remember how he/she no longer shows you the same type of affection, how he/she is always on the phone when you want to talk. Sound familiar?

Around mid-March when Spring is on the horizon the initiator wants to “talk.”  All of the fussing is not working for them. They are tired of having to explain their whereabouts and habits to you.  The conversation can become so convincing at times that often the victim suggest the two of you go your separate ways. You have just entered “Spring Break” which translates to “Break” out of this relationship and “Spring” into action to get ready for Summer.

That my friends it the infamous Cycle.  Like it or not it can catch the best of us off guard.  If you realize you’ve may have been pulled into it, either get out before you get hurt or twist it to make it work for you.

As I’ve said Fall Cling is the kick off.  Both men and women are guilty.  Hell I’ve done it.  Been on both side Lol… no one wants to be alone in the winter.  Oh well, On to the next one…

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

So What’s Next…?

You made eye contact, you flirted and  you landed the date.  It’s been evaluated and picked apart. So what’s next?  You keep working it.  If that one didn’t work out, on to the next one.  Continue the practice until it becomes second nature.  You’ve already crossed the biggest hurdle and that was simply starting.

Now let’s back track a little, some of you can’t seem to nail down the eye contact start. I realize that is a struggle for many.  Your apprehension may stem from a lack of confidence in you.  No one is perfect.  Many people look as if they are the complete confident package. Trust me 75% of the time that’s BS.  Stop comparing yourself to the image you have created in your mind. You will never measure up to that unattainable target you’ve created in the Never Never Land of your dream world.  Everyday you should be able to pick out at least five things you like about you when gazing at yourself in the mirror. It could be as simple as the color of your hair or the fact that you’re wearing a favorite bracelet.  Stop focusing on the negative.  If you have a flaw that bothers you, than work to correct it, but in the meantime focus on what is great about you. Learn to smile. Think a happy thought (ok so now I sound like a Disney flick, but it works).  If you can find a glimmer of joy to keep in the forefront of your thoughts, you would be amazed at how it will transform the vibe that eminates from within. People will see and detect a different you.  Positive energy attracts positive people. 

Try it…what’s it going hurt?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Evaluating the date…

First of all are you still flirting and mingling? Don’t get caught up and forget rule number one just because you landed a date.  Flirt flirt flirt, it’s the only way to keep your skill up. 

Now let’s talk about your date. You survived…YEAH!! Now, think realistically about it. Remember, I’m trying to connect you to the dating world.  You need to become comfortable with dating as many people as possible.  Now for some, dating doesn’t take all of this reflection and evaluation. Those are the folks who have the whole dating thing down to a social science. In their eyes, dating is not a big deal; but for the socially challenged sometimes you have to do some grunt work on the front end in order to coast through this world.

Now let’s evaluate

There’s only one question you need to ask yourself:

“If given the opportunity, would I go out with this person again?”

Make a mental (ok, write it down) list of why or why not.

Do this even if it’s obvious you will never see this person again, remember this exercise is about your improvement.

It’s not always the big things that may have turned you on or off, it just as well could have been something small like:

  • He opened doors
  • He chews with his mouth open
  • He smelled great or musty
  • He wore cheap shoes
  • He wore a throw back jersey and yes he's over 35
  • He seemed comfortable

The big things can be obvious deal breakers but it’s those little things that can annoy you to the point that you wonder “what the hell was I thinking?”
So formulate that list, learn what you like and prepare yourself for the next date.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"What have I just agreed to..."

Wow you did it; you've connected with Mr. Potential Date.  "Oh Hell!"
First and foremost, remember it's a date.  This is the time when your agent meets his agent.  Rarely do people show their true selves on a first date.  Both sides are trying to be cordial in an attempt to score cool points for the home team.  It's the nature of the beast.  My advice, just be open. Not everyone was raised by your mother so give some consideration to differences in thought and opinion.

A couple of Do's and Don'ts

Do keep the conversation and mood light.
Don't go to deep into your sorted or sad past. You don't want to run him away with your horror stories.
Don't size him up for a wedding I really need to explain why?
Do dress to fit the message you want to convey.

Now let me pause here for just a second.  If you want him to know that you plan to "freak" him before you part ways, than show whatever it is you think you need to in order to accomplish this feat but don't dress like Susie Slut but act as if your Mary Poppins. Sending mix signals is never a good idea. If your not sure of your intention then wear something that can easily be converted from "maybe" to "oh yeah" by merely popping a couple of buttons, flipping a faulty zipper or rolling the top of a waist band. (Trust me on that one).

Don't over indulge in alcohol. I understand the need for liquid courage, however you don't want to use that as an excuse for doing something you may regret.  (yeah yeah I sound like someones mother, but you know what I mean.) Moderation is the key.  Be a drunkard later. There is nothing sexy about an drunk ass woman. You may think you have it together but don't. 
I could list a million of these so I will wind it up with just one more.  
Do listen to your inner voice. If something is nudging at you or doesn't feel right, get the hell out of there. Some things just aren't worth it!!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I've score a phone number, so now what?

Ok so you’ve made eye contact, flirted and scored his phone number, now what? Well let’s see, this can unfold in a couple of ways.

Let’s start with “did he ask for your number first?” If so, give him an opportunity to call you.  If he’s interested, he’ll call. Now all of you modern day “why wait, I can call him” type women, slow down. Yes I realize times have changed and it’s perfectly fashionable to make the 1st move, but if he made the initial move by asking for your number, let him make the next.  By no means should you wait idly by the phone, keep flirting and line up some additional contacts.  A call back does not guarantee a date and beside a date is not a contract for marriage, it’s a damn date.
Now if you asked for his number, first of all I’m proud of you big girl for stepping out there, don’t chicken out now. You have his number, now put on your big girl panties and call him.  If he doesn’t answer, leave a message! Don’t just hang up.  Personal peeve, it annoys the shit out of me when folks call 3 or 4 times but never leave a message. If it’s that damn pressing for you to call a zillion times than leave a flipping message. Ok, I’ll step down from my soapbox now. Any way, if you have not heard from him by the end of the day, try again tomorrow.  In the meantime keep flirting.  Practice develops comfort.  After the 2nd call and 2nd message, toss the number. Yep I said it. Delete it from your phone! Apparently he’s either changed his mind or something/someone more to his liking has come along.  You’ve left 2 messages, that is enough.  He knows you’re still interested and he knows how to contact you. This is not the time to turn into “Stacy Stalker” or “Desperate Dana”, move on. Don’t take it personal or even to heart. You didn’t even know this person so don’t obsess let it go.

Friday, September 9, 2011

For all you phat haters, this is not for you; but if you enjoy voluptuous hips, thickness and saucy curves, keep reading.  I'm a big girl, have been all my life so when I hear thick women complain (thin chicks you're on your own) about not being able to date or not getting any attention from the opposite sex I have to wonder "what's really going on with you". There are a plethora of men out there who love us. Sure you have your assholes who always have smart shit to say, but those are the same insecure losers who will say or do anything to mask their own inadequacies.
Lets talk about my experiences.
I've just gotten out of a three and a half year relationship. It was good while it lasted but as many couples experience we grew apart. That's a topic for another day. My point even while in my relationship, men made advances.  I can honestly say while involved I never took them up on the offers, but appreciated the attention.  Now being single, I'm happy to say the attention still exist. So what is it? I believe it is a confidence.  I have a great love for myself not arrogant, just have accepted who I am and the skin I'm in.  I believe that makes the difference. Do I expect to turn the head of every  man who's path I cross, nope. Hell I don't want every man I see either. You like what you like.  I know I do.   
So how do you meet that potential date?
  • Smile, look him in the eye and say "Hello". Simplistic huh? Eye contact is a very powerful weapon and extremely difficult for so many people. 
  • Compliment, without getting too racy. Be sincere with it. Don't tell him he has a great smile and he has missing teeth. 
  • Go where the men are.  I love sports. True NFL fan. I go out to watch sports. Try it. Take some girl friends with you. You may even learn something
So don't let your size hold you back, get your flirt on. Only two things can happen the person will either like it or not.  If they like it, hey see where it goes and if they don't, on to the next one.  Hell, he was probably too thin anyway.  :-)