Why Are You Dating (Marriage, Companionship or Self Discovery)?
Do you have dating goals? It seems to me that if setting goals is necessary in other aspects of your life (e.g. get out of debt, lose weight, go back to school), then shouldn’t the same be expected when it pertains to dating? Or is that just too damn much to deal with? Bwaahahahahaaha
Let’s dive in and see what happens...
First, I think it is important to know why you are dating in the first place. I know this may sound a bit off but really if you think about it, it’s very possible, no extremely likely that people date for different reasons. With that, I’ve narrowed dating to what seems to be the Big 3: Marriage, Companionship and Self-Discovery.
Now, some of you are already twisting up your nose and thinking “what the hell is she on now?” Just bear with me on this, ya see not everyone is looking for a husband (or wife if that’s your flip). Think about it…One of the biggest issues folks discover on a date or when dating is she is looking for a husband and he is just out to have fun and nothing more. If you have clear expectations from the beginning, the majority of the hurt feelings can be avoided.
So back to the categories…
Often times BigGirlz we are unsure as to who we really are. Your 20 year old self could and should be very different from the 30 or 40 year old you. Sure you still like to go out and “party” but has your definition of party remained the same? I doubt it. For example at 20 it may not have been a big deal to drink shots on an empty stomach, dance all night, drank a little more, eat White Castles, puke in the middle of the night, sleep for a couple of hours and then go to work and fully function. At 30 and 40, your concept of “party” may be a bit more subdued (at least I hope so since the older we get the lengthier the recovery time).
Just as your definition of party has changed maybe your dating purposes have as well. A part of self-discovery is figuring out what currently ignites your buttons. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having preferences (we’ve discussed that in previous post). BigGirlz do you have a clue what you really like? If you were asked to describe the perfect date, could you? Do you have any idea the type of person it would take to bring that scenario to fruition? Beyond all of that, is what you imagined even possible with you? Some women struggle with knowing what they actually like. Dating can be a great way of narrowing that to a manageable frame work. To get there, first you have to be honest with yourself and your “victim” or “specimen” from the start. Own up, at least to yourself, that you’re unsure as to what you want or even like. Pay attention to everything but most important, be yourself. Second, keep the date casual and light. Nothing romantic. If you feel as if the date is moving in an uncomfortable direction or pace, put on the brake. Get in tune with your own boundaries. If you don’t know what those are, by the end of the date, you will. Don’t be afraid of open dialogue. As a matter of fact, start the dialogue. Often times, men are happy to know that you are NOT looking for a husband. It removes the pressure.
BigGirlz, once again be honest with both yourself and your victim. If companionship is the goal, then own up to that desire. Stop pretending you’re just dating to date. Lies, all lies…LOL. We all get tired of going out with the girls and/or rolling solo dolo. What’s wrong with admitting your longing to spend time with the opposite sex? NOTHING!!! As I repeat, be honest with yourself. You really should share your position and feelings with that particular person of interest. There are ways to share your thoughts without adding pressure to him or ruining the situation. (Conversation tips are a subject for another day). In either case, pay attention to his conversation and body language. Trust me it will speak volumes. Accept it for what it is and be prepared to lose a couple of prospects. Ya see he may be going through his “self-discovery” phase. Like walking down a dark street alone, be aware of your surroundings and his signals. If the two of you are not on the same page don’t let it fester, address it and move forward with or without him.
Marriage (The Big “M”)
BigGirlz BigGirlz, this one can be a bit rough. Ya see often times folks are looking for a “partner for life” but are either afraid to admit it or don’t want to put in the work to make it happen. If this is truly your goal, I have but one point of advice for you to consider. Become wife material. Not Hoe in waiting or Side Chick available. BigGirlz we get so caught up in looking for a husband and writing off those we encounter that we forget the “me factor”. So as you maneuver through, for the third or fourth time I want to remind you to HONESTLY take inventory of your credentials. Get healthy (which doesn’t necessarily mean lose weight), clean your DAMN house (oops that’s for me…LOL), get your finances in order, get your attitude together, be lovable to yourself. If you don’t love you, how in the blue hell do you expect someone else to, seriously? Focus on being the best you possible. I guarantee while you’re working on you, your husband-to-be is working to ensure he is prepared for you.
I’m moving on to the next one updating my credentials just in case my companionship goal morphs into something else…I’m Just Saying.