House Cleaning Time

BigGirlz

We are on the countdown to the close of one year and a fresh start to another year. With that, it’s time to begin thinking about what and who you are going to allow to join you in 2014. In other words, who and what are you going to leave in 2013?? Now many of us including myself have a tendency to think about or set goals for the in coming year. You know the stuff; lose weight, save money, blah blah blah… However what we fail to do is think about the shit that held us back or prevented us from being who we want and desire to be. Sure some things are all us and the way we respond to various people and situations. Can you imagine how different our lives could/would be if we’d make a conscious decision to distance ourselves from the toxic people that often create the fucked up situations we find ourselves drawn into from time to time? BigGirlz, don’t you wish you could step into 2014 with a clean slate ready to do things differently? A quote that stands out for me is “a goal without a plan is merely a wish” (I can’t remember the author). Damn a wish BigGirlz lets make some plans and start cleaning house.

Now for all of my churchy saints who have forgotten or at least pretend you have forgotten what it’s like to deal with life on a carnal level, just pray for those of us who aren’t quite where you pretend to be, and stop reading. (I’m just saying) Yes I know the power of prayer but I also know that sometimes you have to makes some step toward your own healing so God will take you seriously.

Anywho…

I’ve devised my cleaning plan feel free to use and/or modify to meet your needs.

 

1. Make a list (yes dammit a list) with two columns. I labeled mine Keepers & Crappers

2. Think about all the folks, former partners, toys, “something to dos”, time fillers, bed warmers, you get my point. Write their names down. Even if these are just people you are obsessed with thinking about, especially if you’ve plotted their demise a million different ways in your mind. Sometimes seeing the shit in print makes it real. Now the key to this exercise is to just throw their names under one of those titles. Go with your first thought or should I say your first gut? Don’t dwell on it just list them. Just a note, if a person’s name comes to you later or comes as an afterthought, throw their ass on the Crapper side. If they were deserving of Keeper status they would not have been an afterthought.

3. Now, review the list. I started with my Keepers. It was the shorter of the two. (Don’t judge me…lol). As I perused my list the question I kept in mine was “Are you an asset or a liability?” “Am I happy for more than 15 minutes while we are together?” Side note, if it’s a mere 15 minutes or less shoot that lame horse and put it out of misery. They shouldn’t even be a point of consideration. Go through both sides of the list. It’s possible you may have a legitimate reason to move some folks around but if you are honest with yourself most of the names will remain where you initially placed them.

 OK…now what? This is where you have to grow a pair and take action.

1.   Once again I started with the short list, the Keepers. If you are currently happy with the way things are with them than do nothing BUT if you would like to enhance your relationship then reach out to that person, you can’t expect them to read your mind. Do it soon/early in the new year if not before. There’s no use in wishing things would change. Take steps to make your intentions known. Be prepared for whatever comes your way be it acceptance or rejection. Stop wasting time on someone who’s not feeling you. Besides, the Keeper may be a Crapper in disguise so do your homework.

 

2. The Crappers may take a little more creativity and backbone. You have to plan your exit. Let me say this again. PLAN YOUR EXIT. Now if having a direct conversation with them doesn’t work OR you’re not strong enough to resist that “one last time” then here are a couple of passive aggressive things you can try:

 a. Remove them from ALL OF YOUR ACCOUNTS i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and remove yourself from theirs. Stop cyber staking! Let the shit go. You know they are crap and are not worthy of you.

 b. Remove and block their phone number. Do not respond to their text. Quit trying to leave the door cracked. That’s a "just in case" move. Slam- shut that damn door and don’t look back.

Guaranteed you will probably get called a bitch or two. So what…this isn’t about them it’s about you. Besides I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve been called out of your name and if you live long enough it won’t be the last.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of some folks. If they are meant to be a part of your life, they will be. A plan means nothing if your heart isn't in it. Bottom-line all of this is meaningless if you don't change your way of thinking. That's right; everything comes back to your own mind set. A Crapper mindset breeds Crapper living. You will continue to accept and settle for bullshit until you change the way you think. Elevate your standards. Is that being snobbish? Who gives a shit! This is about me. Quit lowering you standards just so you won't be alone. It took being alone for me to appreciate how great I am. Yeah I said it. I'm great. Am I all that I want to be, no BUT that doesn't mean I have to accept Crappers that live on the level where I used to be. Step up your game or step pass me.

2014 is loaded with possibilities but if you are too bogged down with stupid shit and behaviors you KNOW you should have left in 2013 there is little chance you will get to experience its potential greatness.

So BigGirlz I'm moving on to the next one with my Keepers in check and my Crapper properly flushed from my system!!!

Love My Gut!!

BigGirlz

It’s been a very interesting couple of weeks. All I can say is always, ALWAYS trust your gut. Now I know I’ve spoken on this before, but after the week I’ve had and the people I've encountered, it just seems to be a good time to dance thru this subject again.

Let’s just start generically by saying “I spoke to a friend this week…”hahahaha. Seriously, I had a “text” conversation this week with what I thought was a good friend of mine. Obviously our definition of friend differs greatly, but anywho…we exchanged our usual barrage of morning pleasantries. Nothing big, typical stuff, “How’s your week going…What’s going on with ya…” truly friend stuff. Now stepping back to a few days ago, I was perusing FaceBook (Ahh technology the great equalizer) when I came across some wedding photos dated a couple of months ago. What caught my eye was the silhouette of the bride and groom. No faces just shadow. “Damn, is that… (the culprit shall remain nameless in order to protect the guilty) LOL.”

Stepping back even further to a few months ago, I picked up on something quite odd with my dear ol friend, but I just couldn’t nail down what…

Moving back to the present, (Is that an oxymoron? Oh well…)"I know that silhouette, that's my friend."

WTF…married? Didn’t I just talk to him yesterday? Hilarious! So I waited. Figured I’d hear from him and as usual, like clockwork I received my morning greeting. I responded as I normally would and then I asked the BIG question. Now as a general rule, he typically responds in a timely manner. I guess this took some digesting. So after a day or so I received a response, yep…married.

 As always my gut was on point.

 What I love about all of this is it reminded me that you never go wrong by listing to your gut.

 BigGirlz are you listening to your gut? Are you acknowledging that odd feeling that appears just before you give an answer, that twitch, that ping that surfaces right as you make the critical decision, or when your man stops by with the wrong look in his eye. You know what I’m talking about, that “something just ain’t right” twinge that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up like needles.

STOP ignoring that!

It’s the best tool for navigating life, dating and then some. Hey, it's gotten me out of a whole lot of shit (a story for another day).

Now I will probably never know the point of my so called friend not telling me about his new life, I asked but of course he refuses to give up the goods. (LOL) His lost because I give really great wedding gifts, so I’m moving on to the next one letting my gut lead the way.

Spring Release is Here!!!

Spring Release is Here!

 

Well BigGirlz the season of spring release has arrived.  With the exception of a few lingering days of frigid temperatures, the physical signs of spring are slowly starting to peek their heads thru the dreary cloudy days. I saw my first daffodil in full bloom today reassuring me that now is the time of “RELEASE”!

 

Now whether you are the Releaser(previously referred to as the Clinger) or the Releasee it’s time to pull up those BigGirl panties and deal with the inevitable.

 

Let’s start with the Releasee.

 

Now you were warned months ago what to expect during this rite of passage, surely you didn’t ignore the signs and fall for this finely orchestrated charade?  Come on…really? If you fell prey to this madness, just discreetly raise your pinkie and tip out of the room. Now go to a quiet and secluded place and promptly proceed to slap the shit out of yourself for being so STUPID! You were given a step by step, play by play outline.  Come on, five more slaps should do the trick (lol). Now that you’ve gotten that out of the way, GET OVER IT!

 

I realize how easy it is to fall into the “maybe this is the one” trap. Loneliness, cold weather and a few stiff drinks can wreak havoc on our ability to think rationally.  BigGirlz you’ve got to stop leading with your heart. I’m not saying close yourself off to the possibility of love but learn to recognize and listen to that tiny little voice of reason no matter how painful or uncomfortable it may be. Do you really want to go through this same shit again next year? Only you can make that decision.

 

 

On to Mz Releaser(or Clinger if you prefer)

 

My my my what have we done (yes I’m snickering)? If you find yourself in this position, be careful (yeah, I’m still snickering) men can be just as crazy as women when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

At this stage of the game, you should have completed all phases of the Release plan. (If you need a refresher, go back to the post dated October 1^st 2012.) Remember you’ve both decided to “give each other some space” (whatever) and you’ve moved on to “Done Deal”! DO NOT LOOK BACK! Spare him and yourself the potential awkward moments or homicide! Keep moving forward.

 

Spring has arrived time to dust off the swag you stored away for the winter and get re-acquainted. Begin testing the waters. Start practising on folks, but tread lightly. You don't want to pick up something or someone too soon. Remember you have the entire summer ahead of you.

 

Side note, for all of you that have what I like to refer to as “dead wood” laying around in your life, it’s time to set that crap out on the curb for trash pickup as well. You know you’re bored and you only keep them around “just in case”. Let that mess go. It’s time to make room for a fresh crop of possibilities. Life is too short to settle for “Mr. or Ms (if that’s your preference) Something To Do”. I’m not saying stay to yourself and be bored oh Hell No! I’m saying keep them in perspective. Sure they help pass the time but they can cause you to miss out on what your really looking for or better yet, what's looking for you; so stay focused and keep your eyes open.

 

Time to clean house. I'm guilty of the "just in case" factor. As a matter of fact, I just set my first load out. 

 

That's why I'm moving on to the next one, cleaning as I go…making room to bloom baby!!!!

Married Men...

Married men leave me the fuck alone.  BigGirlz please indulge me while I vent over a personal experience. Over the past couple of months I’ve been lucky (or unlucky) enough to be approached by and meet some relatively attractive men. Problem, 5 of the 7 were married.  WTF? Really? What a pain in the ass.

 

Now being an analyst by both nature and profession, you know I had to attempt to figure out what the hell is going on.  What type of signals am I sending? Is there a flashing sign on my forehead that says “I only accept the unavailable and attached?”  WTH? 

 

Anywho, so I decided to do a little research.  It’s amazing what pops up from a simple Google search. I found a plethora of Blogs and articles discussing this most interesting topic. Many said the same thing. “It’s not the female but the man searching for something missing in his marriage.” “Some do it for the thrill.” “Men like to know they can still attract the opposite sex…blah blah blah.”  I even talked to a couple of my married guy friends, BIG ASS EMPHASIS on FRIENDS and their opinions were pretty similar to what was printed in the majority of the blogs. I did however come across an opinion to the contrary of the masses.  Not so much a contrast but a different angle.  Mike J from Urban Belle gave it this spin. “Any woman who is continuously attracting married men is only doing so because she looks and may even act like an easy fuck.” 

 

DAMN!! Now this made my neck snap. Do I look like a fucking jump off? Are you kidding me? Now I will be the first to admit I am a professional flirt. Hell I can do that in my sleep. But am I giving off the “yes I’m an easy, drama-free, no commitment required lay signal?” Hum well, am I? Hell I dun know.

 

As I attempt to retrace my steps to each encounter, nothing stands out that would lead me to believe I had “tramp” plastered across my chest. As I remember, I met the majority of the “potential whores” during regular business hours.  And even if I flirted, which we all know there is a 98.9% chance I did, trust the sexual overtones were kept to a minimum. Hell I met one in Wal-Mart for goodness sake. 

 

In any event, Mike J’s comments were poignant enough to cause me to take inventory of my actions and my overall look.  Truth be told, I’m no angel and high collars/neckline aren’t my style. 8 to 5 Monday thru Friday, I manage to portray a relatively professional look with a slight urban edge. After 5:00, all bets are off…LOL.  As a general rule, I save my “slore” (slut whore) look for Saturday nights. LOL…don’t judge me dammit! 

 

Bottom line whether I rock a Mary Poppins frock or a see thru slut suit, this single BigGirl only deals with single men.  Crudely stated, married men go home and fuck your wives and leave me the hell alone.  I’m the baby brat among my siblings. Rarely did I share my toys then, I damn sure ain’t going to start doing it now. If you see me and think “damn she might be an easy lay”, know that if I am (trust me, I’m neither easy nor cheap, bring the platinum bitch) sorry I digress…know that I DON’T DO MARRIED MEN! I’m too spoiled for that. Besides I have enough reasons to go to Hell without adding adultery to my list. 

 

Moving on to the next one in a business suit and rocking red stilettos.

 

Happy New Year...What the F@%K ever!!!!

Happy New Year…What the Fuck ever!!!

Now BigGirlz hopefully you made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas and survived the barrage of questions relating to “singlehood” and all of its glory or dreadum. Now, the last hurdle is before us, New Year’s Eve…how freaking lovely!!!

Any given week can be a lonely or even downright depressing time when you’re single but add the numerous invitations to various New Year’s Eve parties and one could easily find themselves ready to lose it or better yet lock themselves away until January 2nd.  Although hiding may be a tempting solution, you’ll still remain in a lonely dark state wishing time would quickly pass; knowing time only passes quickly when you’re having fun or on a work break.

 

So how do you get through this…first you have to change your attitude?  Loneliness is a state of mind. Now I can easily direct you to the plethora of cliché ish events that are deemed fulfilling at this time of year. You know them: volunteer at a homeless shelter or nursing home. How about going to a children’s home or hospital and bring joy to the little ones…blah blah blah. All of that is wonderful, but really?

 

Realistically, we all can get pretty self-absorb and somewhat overwhelmed with handling our emotions this time of the year. So as I started above, you have to change your attitude. Being single on New Year’s Eve is NOT the end of the world although if the Mayans had been correct none of this would matter huh? Anyway if being single at New Year’s is the worst thing about your life than honey I need to trade places with you (I pass on that).

BigGirlz the choice you make this evening could very well set the tone for 2013.  How will you fill the void?

Now you can ALWAYS go to church. Of course I’m going to start with that first.  Pick a place pick a time. That’s a no brainer.

If you’re just not feeling the church thing (ok super saved saints this excerpt ends here for you) call some of the girls and have an impromptu DrinkFest. Everyone bring your favorite poison and drink until you don’t know what day it is or don’t give a damn. I say drink until you don’t give a damn.

If that’s not tugging at ya then (ok super saved, you REALLY need to shut it down for real) make that infamous phone call. You know the one. You really don’t like him but at least he knows how to “fill your void”.  Call him, who gives a shit. He will either say yes or no. If the answer is no then you might want to give the DrinkFest another chance.

In either case get the fuck over it. Its one damn night. We are on the cusp of a brand new start. Know that if you make it thru the night and can open your eyes to see 2013, you’ve just been given a pass or a “do over” if you will. It’s time to clean out your mental closet of regrets, inhibitions, “shouda coulda woulda” and every pitiful whiny-ass excuse you used in 2012.  If that means you need to get rid of some people then dump his or her mentally draining ass. It’s not that you don’t love them but at some point you need to learn and start loving yourself more. Let’s get it cracking for 2013. I figure I have another shot at getting it right this time around.

I’ve been told a million times; what you do on the first day of the year is a great indicator as to how it will flow for the remaining 364 days.  Don’t know how you feel about that but…

My plans this evening are real simple: and early church service and a date with my couch. I have a stack of movies I’ve wanted to watch. Damn the rest of that mess, it’s all about me tonight.  Loving my BIGGIRLZ single life.  Find some joy ladies and remember it starts within.

Moving on to the next with a Heineken, bowl of popcorn and the remote…See ya next YEAR!!!

BEWARE: Fall Cling Cometh

BEWARE: Fall Cling Cometh

Well BigGirlz it’s that time of year again where frosty mornings and chilly evening remind folks that winter is on the way.  It also reminds the single that now is the time to find a warm body to nestle with for the winter thus, Fall Cling.

Now let me back track a little for those who are unfamiliar with the “cycle”. The cycle is the mating/dating phase started by men (but perfected by women). Sorry guys, it’s a given if you create something, a woman will ALWAYS find a way to improve or perfect it.  Lol...deal with it!  This cycle which begins with Fall Cling and ends around March or April with Spring Release is a known tactic used by what I will refer to as a “Clinger” to get thru the lonely cold winter months. Now you may say “Why Not? What’s wrong with a little companionship to get you thru those long cold winter nights?”  Absolutely nothing as long as you know going in what’s the real deal.  Roll with it. Just keep your head and don’t get all caught up.

Now for those BigGirlz who are unsure if that is what is currently happening in your world, here are a few signs to keep in your back pocket.

 

1.      NOTICE: As mentioned earlier, when the air begins to chill the thought of companionship seems to move to the forefront of thought.  So the search begins to find someone you can deal with or at least someone willing to warm the body, like a good cognac, for about 6 to 8 months.  With that, the phone begins to ring a little more than usual. The opposite sex seems to be a bit more attentive to your every move. That same person whose path you cross on a regular basis not only says “Good Morning” but now wants to hold a conversation with you. That is a sign of Fall Cling.

So you say “what the hell” and go with it.  Once again keep in mind what you may be getting into. The two of you talk and before you know it a relationship (and I use the term loosely) seems to bud.

 

2.      CAUTION:  Things begin to progress and all is fine.  By now, you’re on your way to the holidays. You may even meet a few family members and friends on the way. That is normal progression/concealment. This is experienced Clinger behavior. You will be lulled into thinking things are good between the two of you. 

 

3.      WARNING: This is where you separate the inexperienced from the experienced Clinger.  It’s Christmas. Both types of Clingers if smart and most of them are, will give you an appropriate gift. Not too sentimental but given with thought. Now, here is the difference between the two.  The experienced Clinger will take you to the major family or friend holiday gathering. Note you will be introduced but as his “friend”, not girlfriend just friend. Don’t be offended; remember you were warned from the beginning. The inexperienced Clinger will tell you about the function and down play it by saying things like, “yeah, I’ll probably stop by just to say hi on my way to be with you” or “I have to make an appearance so they won’t trip and then I’ll head your way”.  You get what I’m saying… You will not be attending this little soiree; you're not invited.

 

4.      BEWARE: New Year’s Eve.  Truly a laughable moment; the inexperienced will spend the time with you thru midnight but meet his/her crew afterwards.  The experienced Clinger will take you out. Nothing extravagant but a relatively pleasant evening. In your gut, something doesn’t feel quite right. Don’t shrug it off.  Trust it is the beginning of the end.

5.      EXPLOSION: End of January beginning of February, you will notice little tiffs and arguments begin to escalate with an annoyance factor starting to fester.  And then Valentine’s Day hits like a brick. The gift, if  you receive one SUCKS! There’s the big blow out fight that was planned since day one. Operation Spring Release is right on track.

And what happens next, you both decide to give each other some space. As a general rule you continue talk a little but not very much. Just enough contact in case there is another harsh cold snap. LOL!  Then before you realize it winter is over and spring is starting to peek thru the dreary sky.

6.      DONE DEAL:  Talks have ended and you both have gone your separate ways. WTH... Spring Release has arrived. You have been relieved of all duties in the Clinger's life.

 

BigGirlz, don't let get ya down. It is what it is... Some shit happens because we ignore the signs and continue on hoping for the best.  The other side of that, we jump in thinking we can handle the situation and forget our heads.

If you have a sexy BigGirlz swagger and got it going on, be ye warned you are a target.  Flirt and flip the table. Remember you can control this and use it to your benefit.  As for me, screw Fall Cling, I'm too busy to play this year!

I'm moving on to the next one with a big ass bottle of Courvoisier and an electric blanket!!!  LMAO...

 

Ghetto or Snob?

Has it come to this? Have I become a snob?

Some people live by a different standard. What some of us consider as “Ghetto” is just a normal way of life for others.  Maybe it’s a simple lack of exposure to different options. The Ghetto comes in (my opinion) when the individual refuses to be open to or acknowledges the possibility of viewing/doing things differently. Where am I going with this?  BigGirlz, there are occasions where we will meet a person who is not “quite” our match (or you may not be theirs but that’s a story for another day). Someone who in our eyes, may need “some work”. Dealing with this very issue recently gave reason for me to reflect on my desires/dreams and mate expectations. Can I handle dating someone who considers Texas Roadhouse to be an upscale restaurant? One who thinks a fresh clean white tee, jeans and Timberlands to be the perfect attire for a first date? (Oh it gets better) One who’s pre dinner cocktail is a double deuce taken to the head via a brown bag? 

I realize that not everyone has been blessed with the opportunities that couple with life exposure but “What The Hell”?

Yep, snobville is on the way!!!
 
I decided “Hell Naw” I can’t do it! I refuse to put in the work of exposing, cleaning, working on, fixing (ok shit) crude attempt at changing someone to meet my needs.  NO! Let the next chic fix him up and send him my way. Over the years I’ve done my share (probably more than my share) of “broadening” the next man’s horizon. Damn, I’m tired.  That’s my decision and I’m sticking with it. LOL!!

So BigGirlz, you have to know from the beginning what you are willing to do in order to find that happy place with the person you’ve decided to date. Who knows, things may not be as bad as they appear. He could be open to learning and growing but know you cannot force someone to change.

As for me, NOPE, I’ve thrown away my teacher’s hat.  If you are a grown ass man and you don’t own at least one tie, a nice shirt and a pair of “creasable” slacks, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! Realizing that owning those things don’t exempt you from being Ghetto, at least it may seem that you have a flipping clue.

Bottom line BigGirlz, know your limits. I accept me for me. Although I may need to check what kind of signals I’m sending, because damn I seem to meet some “interesting” folks. Anyway, am I perfect? Absolutely not but I’m evolving.  I love being exposed to new things. Have I ever been Ghetto, I’m sure and by someone else standards may be considered that now.

In either case I’m moving on to next one with a can of Ghetto Repellent in my hand!