Ghetto or Snob?

Has it come to this? Have I become a snob?

Some people live by a different standard. What some of us consider as “Ghetto” is just a normal way of life for others.  Maybe it’s a simple lack of exposure to different options. The Ghetto comes in (my opinion) when the individual refuses to be open to or acknowledges the possibility of viewing/doing things differently. Where am I going with this?  BigGirlz, there are occasions where we will meet a person who is not “quite” our match (or you may not be theirs but that’s a story for another day). Someone who in our eyes, may need “some work”. Dealing with this very issue recently gave reason for me to reflect on my desires/dreams and mate expectations. Can I handle dating someone who considers Texas Roadhouse to be an upscale restaurant? One who thinks a fresh clean white tee, jeans and Timberlands to be the perfect attire for a first date? (Oh it gets better) One who’s pre dinner cocktail is a double deuce taken to the head via a brown bag? 

I realize that not everyone has been blessed with the opportunities that couple with life exposure but “What The Hell”?

Yep, snobville is on the way!!!
 
I decided “Hell Naw” I can’t do it! I refuse to put in the work of exposing, cleaning, working on, fixing (ok shit) crude attempt at changing someone to meet my needs.  NO! Let the next chic fix him up and send him my way. Over the years I’ve done my share (probably more than my share) of “broadening” the next man’s horizon. Damn, I’m tired.  That’s my decision and I’m sticking with it. LOL!!

So BigGirlz, you have to know from the beginning what you are willing to do in order to find that happy place with the person you’ve decided to date. Who knows, things may not be as bad as they appear. He could be open to learning and growing but know you cannot force someone to change.

As for me, NOPE, I’ve thrown away my teacher’s hat.  If you are a grown ass man and you don’t own at least one tie, a nice shirt and a pair of “creasable” slacks, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! Realizing that owning those things don’t exempt you from being Ghetto, at least it may seem that you have a flipping clue.

Bottom line BigGirlz, know your limits. I accept me for me. Although I may need to check what kind of signals I’m sending, because damn I seem to meet some “interesting” folks. Anyway, am I perfect? Absolutely not but I’m evolving.  I love being exposed to new things. Have I ever been Ghetto, I’m sure and by someone else standards may be considered that now.

In either case I’m moving on to next one with a can of Ghetto Repellent in my hand!

Friends don't let Friends Drunk Dial

Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk Dial!

 

Ha! Ha! Can I just say that "Alcohol is a Beast", that booze and boredom can be a lethal combination? BigGirlz DON'T DO IT!!!

I can recall having a "Girlfriend" discussion regarding the "Stupid Shit" we do or have done once an evening of liquor infused fun comes to a close. Most agreed that upon finally making it safely home all they wanted to do was quietly crawl in bed and plunge into the land of sleepdom, in hopes that "praying" to the porcelain god or a spinning room would not be a part of the evening's closing festivities. Others reveled in the thoughts of wreaking havoc on the lives of exes that have fallen by the wayside by sexting him or the one that didn't quite make the cut when it came time to elevating his presence to a respectable relationship status. In either case both seemed at the time to be worthy choices while blindly fumbling through a hormonal drunken stupor.

As we laughed at each others version of the perfect ending to a perfect night of partying, we all had to agree that Drunk Dialing is NEVER a good idea. Why? (You really need to ask?)

1.      As we all are aware, liquor has a tendency to "jack up our judgment". In the words of Rapper Ludacris "If I have one mo drink, I'm gon end up f*#king you"

2.      There is a tendency to shed our inhibitions as well as "precautionary" measures

3.      Is it really worth "regurgitating" yes I said “regurgitating” past feelings for him for even him for you, for a couple of hours of pleasure(OK you're drunk so you might be good for an hour or so...lol)

4.      Do you really want to use your energy dodging his ass via text, Twitter and Facebook?

BigGirlz I know it will be tempting to just say screw it and do it anyway! BUT DON'T!

Now this is where all of the good girls need to stop reading...

To the rest, if you know Drunk Dialing is your typical MO then my suggestion is this...

Make your calls or send your text BEFORE you start drinking. Why? (Really? again?)

1.      You can't blame it on the Alcohol

2.      You're both "prepared" no excuses

3.      There is time to come to a clear understanding/agreement that this is just sex. (Come on now if you’re going to play grown folks games then damn it be an adult about it)

4.      Be prepared to live with whatever happens.

I'm not promoting promiscuity, but if you can plan and handle it sober there "shouldn't be any regrets the morning after. Deal with it!!

Moving on to the next one with just one glass of wine (this time)!

He's an EX for a REASON!

Ladies, he's an Ex for a reason. Often times the opportunity to reconnect with a past Like/Love will rear it's twisted head. It "seems" to occur at just the prime time when you are alone or should I say between relationship or even worst when you're experiencing the dreaded "dry spell".  Its during these times when a familiar voice from the past (depending on the type of break-up and the length of lapsed time) sounds pretty good. Think about it, it's familiar and more than likely the entire relationship wasn't horrible, just the intolerable parts (ha ha).  In any case selective memory kicks in and suddenly the bad times don't seem so bad now.  DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!


I'm not saying in a second chance could never work; however we must view this potential reconciliation with unclouded and non-nostalgic eyes.


If considering another go at it Biggirlz, here are a couple of tips to guide and defog your thinking

1. Realistically recall what ended the relationship. Was it an unacceptable behavior, infidelity, abuse... Side note (strictly my opinion) NEVER return to an abusive partner. Abuse is a disease that's extremely difficult to cure or heal. Don't put yourself or your support system through that again.  You made it out once, don't press your luck. Did you grow apart or did the partnership deteriorate?  No matter the reason, reflect truthfully
2. Run your desires past your true BFF. By "true" BFF I mean the one that can recall your "venting" sessions down to the most minuscule point. It's the BFF that will give it to you straight no chaser.  Consider their response (don't live or die by it, but do consider it).
3. Listen to your gut not your heart. If something is pinching you and the initial thought is "Can I trust him" then you probably can't.
4. Be honest with your desires. Are you looking to renew the commitment or mess up some sheets? Whatever the goal, share your sentiment with your EX.  If you intend to move forward with tampering with your past, don't forget to set some boundaries.

For some odd reason, I've spoken or ran into five Ex's over the last six weeks (don't ask...lol). With each encounter (all but one) there was an attempt/suggestion by them to go to dinner, movie or at least meet for drinks.  I had to respectfully decline although one was pretty damn tempting, I must say.  With each conversation something triggered my inner voice to rise up and say "Hell NO!" So I'm listening.  When I realistically reflect on these past relationships, I can find fault on both sides. More them than me of course. None were abusive, Thank God but just not worth returning to the scene of the crime.


Keep in mind the final decision is yours. Only you know if the stroll down memory lane will be worth the journey. For me  Nah...I'll take my chance with the future.

Moving on to next one while looking for my next EX!

BigGirlz, you survived  V-day…

Well single BigGirlz, we did it! We survived the dreaded Valentine’s Day!!! I know it was rough for some but you made it, even if it took a tub of ice cream, half a pizza and a dozen or so of chocolate chip cookies, we lived!  For those who blew the day off as another “hump day eve", you are to be commended. For the rest of us who found watching what seemed to be an endless barrage of balloon and flower deliveries annoying and downright depressing, this rant is for you. 

For us singles, BigGirl or not, V-day can be a strain to the heart.  There’s a tendency to internalize the “so what the hell is wrong with me” or “when will my turn come” question.  Sistas of the thick never give up hope.  First of all we have to love ourselves. (yeah yeah, I know what I sound like). Beyond that it’s all a process.  Yes it would have been nice to receive a gift from someone special but keep in mind many women that have a significant other were still greeted with an empty box. 

So, what to do, keep on living.  Find ways to bring joy to someone else’s life.  Next year, purchase a box of valentine hearts, you know the kind you use to give out when you were a child, and randomly give them to strangers you pass on the street, especially if he’s cute. Sneak one in someone shopping cart at the local grocery store.  Leave one on a coworker’s desk and sign it as their mystery admirer.  Decorate your personal space.  Find little ways to smile. Before you realize it, those smile become giggles that will transform your head and your heart.  That one time “woe is me” will become a “damn that was fun”. 

Try it.  What do you have to lose other than a couple of bucks and a bad attitude? 

 
Moving on to the next one with a hand full of 50% off cards from Wal-Mart to use next year…

Big Girlz, dating is a trip…

I not long ago read excerpts from a book called Red Flags by C.Tracy Lightsey.  You can check it out yourself at www.redflagthebook.com.  It was quite an interesting read. It made me reflect on a recent dating experience I had. The more I think about it, I can’t help but wonder, “Ladies do we send mixed signals that create ‘green flags’ in the minds of the men we date?” Did I give him the idea that getting “naked” was an acceptable move for him to make. (LOL)

You be the judge…

·         I complimented him on his attire and how absolutely great he smelled

o   I’m a firm believer in giving credit where it is due. Hey he looked great and smelled even better. It was a refreshing change to go on a date with someone who wore something other than a throwback jersey and sneakers. 

·         After dinner, I agreed to watch movies at his place

o   Well, why not? I hadn’t cleaned my house and it was a chance to see where and how he lived.

·         Agreeing to watch movies in his bedroom

o   Ok, that may have been a bad idea

 
·         Getting comfortable on his bed.

o   Damn this is getting worse by the moment…LOL

·         Taking off my sweater

o   Yep that may have been misinterpreted. It definitely could have been seen as an attempt to be more appealing.  Seriously my damn sweater was bulky so I just took it off. (Won’t do that again!)

What the Hell…when you put it all together, yep maybe I did send mix signals. Trust and believe that was not the intension.  I guess I need to go back to my old blunt ways and declare before the date “We will not be screwing this evening!” That will at least give him the opportunity to change the place, itinerary or even more severe, stand me up!  Ya gotta love it!

Fully clothed, I’m moving on to the next one…

Big Girlz, how you do what you do…

Big Girlz, how you do what you do…

I experienced the most interesting weekend. It is amazing to me the things I see when in various environments. Side note: ladies if you dress like a whore and are approached in a disrespectful manner, why do you get angry? Granted no man (or woman depending your preference) has the right to touch you inappropriately; however if you advertise sex, don’t trip if you’re propositioned. I’m just saying…

Ok, I digressed.

A couple of weekends ago, I gained some very useful insight on male/female interaction.  Big Girlz it really doesn’t matter what size you are or even how you are “viewed” by society in general. It’s really all about your attitude.  I love to people watch and what I observed on this particular weekend was both average and Big Girlz making connections and hooking up. Confidence is a sexy and attractive trait. It’s so obvious.  I observed some very attractive men openly flirting with Big Girlz all over the place.  Hell I had to shake off a couple myself. LOL…These Girlz donned a look and walk that flipped heads and instantly evoked smiles. I loved it.  Speaking from my own experience OMG, I met some fine ass men. From young and sexy to seasoned and gorgeous, the spectrum I tell ya. 

The point of all this, choose your moment don’t wait for it to choose you.  It’s not always about finding “Mr. Right”, sometimes it’s about enjoying “Mr. Right Now”.

Break out your confident swag. Own it and wear it like that one pair of jeans you know you look good in.  Work that moment, don’t be scared.  When you string them together they can create one Hell of an experience.

Moment by moment moving on to the next one…

Geezer Magnet

Big Girlz are you a Geezer Magnet…?

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating an older man. Do whatever or whoever makes you feel comfortable.  My question is does it seem that 2 out of 5 men that approach you are at least 20 – 30 years your senior?  I know it’s not just me.

Back when I was a teenager, about 15 or 16, I notice how older men constantly hit on me. At that stage in my life, I found the whole thing freaking creepy.  Often it was said to me, “Girl you and those baby making hips…” disgusting!!!  Yes I was and still am double blessed with hips and ass (yippee).  Is and was that the draw? Lately I’ve had my share of “Geezers” flirting.  Maybe it would be different if they were “easy on the eye”. LOL…ok maybe not.  20 years plus is WAY past my comfort range.  Hell, 10 – 15 puts them in a number bracket that I just can’t seem to mention without grimacing.  Man do I have issues.

Ok let’s talk about this…

If dating older (as in 20 years +) sounds appealing, then there are a couple of things you need to keep in mind:
 

1.   Be prepared to start the date earlier than you are accustomed. Say for instance you’re 40, if he is 20 years your senior, that’s going to put him in the 60 plus bracket.  Beginning a date 9:00 pm may be a bit much.  Don’t expect him to want to “party” until 3:00 or 4:00 am.  Adjust your thinking. You have to practice some flexibility.  I’m not saying give up everything you desire for he has to step up his game as well. I’m sure you’re not his first “younger” woman, so he probably has an idea what he may encounter.  Just be mindful of what may or may not work.

 

2.   Pick a spot of mutual interest.  If he is into Blues and you’re into Hip Hop, maybe your middle ground is a club that offers R&B.  A great suggestion would be to find a place that features a “versatile” live band. If you’re lucky they may provide music you both can appreciate.

3.   Be yourself. Compromising and being flexible is great but never to the point that you stop being YOU.  If things just aren’t jelling, move on.  Older men and women too, are set in their ways. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can change this man. ( NOT going to happen) If things seem to be progressing at a pace that feels right, then by all means continue to enjoy.

Just like any potential relationship it can only flourish if you nurture it with truth and honesty (I know what I sound like, don’t remind me).  Keep it real not just with him but more importantly with yourself.  At the end of the day the way you feel about yourself is what really matters.