V-Day is Coming!!!!!

Well BigGirlz,

We made it past the pit falls of being single during Christmas and New Year's Eve. YEAH! Hopefully the scars were minor and you were able to slap on a band-aid and keep it moving. For those who are still feeling wounded and are barely limping along, I strongly suggest you go into hiding now cause the day of "Love" is just around the corner. That's right Valen-"when is my time" Day is fast approaching. Yippee-Flippin-Yeah.

UGH!!!

Now many of you will go into the stage of denial by proudly boasting "Oh that crap doesn't bother me" or "I can buy my own damn candy", and my favorite, "I'll just send myself flowers on that day". Shut the hell up!! I get sick of hearing that Bullshit because you miss the freaking point. Sure we can all buy or pamper or even treat ourselves on that day. Material crap is not the point and if you're at least a little bit honest with yourself you will admit that what you and most normal, living and breathing women (and men too) would like to have someone in your life to share your heart, mind and soul with in an honest and equal capacity. If you can sit there and honestly say "nope not me I'm good living, existing and functioning in this monogamist relationship with myself, then please take your cold clammy dead ass back to the hole from which you crawled and continue lying to yourself, because the rest of us are trying to create a mentally and physically inviting place and space that is conducive to giving and receiving love!!

Sorry for my slight rant BigGirlz...hahahahahaha but that crap annoys me just a bit.

Ok, where was I...

Oh yeah, the infamous day of love is upon us. So BigGirlz, I have a few suggestions that may help you cope with being single on V-day:

• Hide - If it's all too much for you than just stay home. Stock your frig, order Netflix and stay in bed. By all means stay away from all forms of social media. I guarantee, someone will be posting some photos of the roses they received or even worst the ring they just accepted.

• Clean your place - For some, cleaning is therapeutic (yeah, I pass on that one).  Instead of sulking, start the vacuum, load the washer, pull out the Windex and get the dried toothpaste spatter off the bathroom mirror. DO SOMETHING other than dwelling on what's missing from your love life. 

Now on to my favorite way to cope

• Call your girls - That's right, call the crew. You supply the wine or beer, someone order pizza and/or wings and someone provide the place. Eat, drink and ignore the balloon and roses mania going on around you.

Bottom line BigGirlz, being single on V-day is not the end of the world. In order to get through it without spiraling to the pit, you have to want to survive. Conquering your thoughts is 80% of the battle and finding something to do with yourself is the remaining 20%(although I'm thinking 19% something to do and 1% wine). Life is to short to dwell on what's missing at the moment. Your time would be better served focusing on improving the inner you. If you work on the inner the outer will follow suit.

In the meantime, I'm moving on to the next one with a glass in one hand and all the fixins needed to create the ultimate chocolate martini lined up in front of the other. Now that's a box of chocolates I can appreciate!!!  Cheers!!

Twisting Fall Cling

Hey BigGirlz,

I’m quite sure you can guess what my issue is this time of year…yep Fall Cling. LOL However my approach is somewhat different this time around. Ya see I’m the one reaching out, making connections and reserving “warm Spots”. That’s right, my inner dude has surfaced (Help us all Lawd!!!).  It is what it is…of course as I maneuver through this season of Cling, I’m taking notes and analyzing patterns in order to share my experiences with my fellow BigGirlz out there. Know that there are challenges and pitfalls to every adventure however if played correctly the rewards will be warm oops I mean worth it.

BigGirlz, if you are considering being a Clinger this season, here are a few things to consider before you begin:

1. If you are looking for a long lasting relationship, STOP RIGHT THERE, this journey is NOT for you!!!!! This is not about love and relationship. This is about securing a warm spot to get you through the winter.
   
   
2. Shut off your heart. By this I mean, don’t get caught up in your emotional wants and desires. This is all about the physical. Ok 70/30. I’m not saying you can’t be affectionate because some affection will be necessary to secure your spot however for the lack of a better term, this is a game. Once again if you have a bleeding heart this is not for you.
   
   
   
   
3. Skillfully select your targets (dayum that sounds harsh…bwahahahaaahahaha). Truth be told, if you’re just starting you are behind. The random calls and texts should have started at the end of September, but there’s still time. Thus the need for careful and thoughtful selection is key.
   
   
4. Know and respect your role. You are not the girlfriend and he is not your man. Keep the shit on a surface level period. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Bottom line BigGirlz be clear on what you want. If you start down this road and decide you can’t follow through, bail out. This is not for everyone. Monitor your actions and handle your business. Have fun with this, the men normally do. I’ve constructed my ground work and as trampy as this may sound to some I’ve been testing my spots (Don’t judge me, not that I give a damn if you do) so bring it on.

Moving on to the next one with an electric blanket on reserve incase my plan backfires!!!! Bwahahahaaahahaha

If I'm Dating Up, Is He Dating Down?

If I’m Dating Up Is He Dating Down?

BigGirlz, BigGirlz

 Navigating this dating thang is quite the interesting animal. You see, even though your world maybe in pretty decent shape, the reality of it all says that you still may fall short compared to what your potential or ideal mate views as an acceptable standard.

It may be difficult to think of ourselves as the “fittin to, bout to, gettin ret to” person in this duo, however it just may be the case. So again I say, “if you’re dating up, is he dating down,” hmmm? As we strive to position ourselves in such a manner that no dating opportunities are missed, we must make time to realistically perform a self evaluation.  So BigGirlz, do you consider yourself to be “That Girl”? Are you worth the time, effort and let’s face it, the money it takes to get to know you?

BigGirlz before you answer the question, do a self check. Not only will this give you the correct answer, you’ll gain a sense of where you are in your life’s journey. Below are a couple of questions to assist in your evaluation:

1.    I’m I ready for this, whatever THIS may be? BigGirlz, how many times have we started a project and before anything can materialize we stop?  I ask that because many times we get so caught up in the mental process of wanting to date and forget that getting to know someone new is a lot of work. So before you even begin your dating trek, make sure you are ready and willing to put in the work. If you’re going to half-ass it, then you’re looking for something/someone to do not a relationship. Know the difference.

2.    What do I bring to the table? BigGirlz, know your worth. If you don’t feel as if you deserve the best of someone, guess what, less than is exactly what you will receive.

3.    What do I expect/desire in a mate? BigGirlz, you have to know what you want and expect. Sure there are items I like to refer to as “surface wishes” that we all can rattle off (tall, rich, cute…etc) but after you peel all of that crap back the real person is what remains and you never know what that may be if you don’t do the work to figure out your preferences. Keep in mind that your expectation should be coupled with a strong dose of realism. Side note, if you expect perfection, you’re in for a long lonely ride. So be realistic.

Now before you get comfortable and smug with yourself, there is a flip side to all of this…YOU!!! Just because you figured out what you want, decided you have the time to pursue this, you know your worth and actually found someone that meets your criteria, there’s a little more to do.  You see BigGirlz, while you’re processing his application to be a part of your life, pay close attention to how he is processing and evaluating you. Keep in mind BigGirlz, he also has a list! Like a fine Thoroughbred he is going to check your hooves, teeth and mane. (Yep I’m a Kentucky girl…LOL)  Ya see, men are visual creatures, not to say that guys won’t go deeper BUT…

Any who, as you go along, ask questions and dig deeper. Find out his expectations. Pay attention to his reactions and body language as the two of you engage. If the things that bring you joy makes him cringe or he gives you the side eye when your activities, lifestyle and choices are mentioned, guess what, he may feel he’s dating down or that you’re the fixer-upper. Run! Get out before you feel attached. You see, what you’re liking and lacking has a set of values in his eyes.

Bottom-line, only surface shit is easy. If you want deeper it takes work; some trial and yep errors too. Whether you’re dating up or down, there’s always a lesson in the process if you pay attention.

Moving on to the next one and taking notes in the process.

The Conversation “Are you a Benefit?”

So BigGirlz,

I encountered something that I as usual felt the need to share. Check out this conversation between a couple. Apparently the woman wanted her guy or who ever he was to detail her car.

Thus the conversation:

Him: “Damn, your car is dirty”
Her:  “So clean it or take it to the car wash”
Him: “Shit…I don’t get to drive it. Hell, I barely get to ride in the damn thing”
Her:  “Damn is it like that?”
Him: “I’m just saying, what I get out of cleaning your car…

Huh? Am I just old school but if you are considered my “man” should performing various tasks be an issue? So are you saying you will only do things for me if there is some sort of benefit for you? Am I missing something? Is a man only supposed to do things for you if he is your husband? WTF! Obviously I’ve gotten things all wrong in my head. Isn't that a part of Dating? No? Am I wrong for allowing a man that I’m dating, to cut my grass and take out my garbage? What’s the benefit to that…Me Damnit!!! Has dating become so watered down that men no longer have to put in or at least give a little extra effort just to be a part of your life? Have women become so ratchet and easy that anything and nothing is not only accepted but the standard?
I’m baffled and a little annoyed by this so you know I had to get so info/opinions from a couple of people right? The answers I received were as varied as their personalities.

So here is what I asked:  “If a woman you’re dating or at least attempting to date ask you to perform task like, take out the garbage, clean up her car or mow the grass, would you have a problem with it?”
The responses:
“Naw, I’m cool with it as long as I can see us being together”
“She ain't my wife, let her take care of her own shit”
“If I’m hitting it on a regular basis, then I might help if she ask?”
“Why not?”
“I might pay somebody to get the yard together, hell I don’t cut my own grass”
“If that’s my girl then, yeah I can do that”

Boy times have changed. I’m sorry, that is just freaking unacceptable. If my expectations are too high then so be it. We are supposed to be a couple. What is wrong with you adding my yard to your rotation of chores? If that’s too much for you to handle than I’m too much for you to handle.

BigGirlz, know your worth. Do I expect the world, Hell yeah! Why because I’m worth it. I’m not saying take advantage of his kindness but some things (like opening a door for you) should be  a given. Dating me is the benefit. Trust me if you do your part and I will definitely  do mine.
I’m moving on to the next one looking for the one who is a benefit for me!!

BigGirlz, Open Up!!!

BigGirlz,

Happy New Year! Now to follow suit of every life coach, spiritual advisor, counselor and I could go on and on, welcome to 2015. Many of the previously listed experts go on to reference the New Year as "another chance", "a do over", "a blank slate", etc. However you choose to view or perceive it to be, each of you including myself should take time to reflect (not dwell) on 2014. Think about the great and the not so pleasant and figure out ways to improve upon your life, specifically your dating life.

Over the last few weeks, especially before and during the holidays I encountered a barrage of material suggesting ways to improve your chances of meeting and connecting with Mr. Right. Most articles shared pretty typical advice. Most of the focus seems to point to your being open to new challenges as well as making sure you are a "whole" person before embarking on a new relationship adventure. Now I will agree to a certain extent that it’s best to rid yourself of excess baggage, however not all baggage is bad. You see, sometimes bagging things up simply means you have figured out how to pull things together and move or properly store them. But I digressed. Anywho...

So now it’s a new year and time for a new beginning. How do you start…well make this a year of trying something different. (So what the hell does that mean?) Glad you asked LOL. Most of us, and yes I’m preaching to myself as well, are creatures of habit. We take the same route to and from work. We shop at the same stores. We go to the same clubs and participate in the same activities thus attracting the same type of people (men) DUH! I dare you to go a different route. Don’t be scared! You’d be amazed at how one little change could impact your life.

Because I can be guilty of stagnant actions and thinking, I’ve decided to shake things up a bit in my own life. Nothing wrong with trying new things right? After some thought, I’ve constructed three action items to begin my transition (baby steps).

Pay attention to what’s going on around me. You see sometimes that special person or at least the person connected to that special someone has been in your circle for years. We get so caught up in our mundane routine that our options are overlooked or even worse, become invisible.

Take a second look at the guy that’s normally NOT YOUR TYPE. (oh Lord) In my case, I’m a big girl and am most attracted to bigger guys and over look all others. Granted we’re all attracted to certain types of people and view certain features, as a "YES" but remember this isn’t a contract for marriage it’s a potential date. Besides he could be the connection point to the person you’re really supposed to meet.

Replace at least one no (sometimes a hell no) with one yes. BigGirlz, we have a tendency to say "no" out of reflex. Give the suggestion or idea some thought before responding. At least think about it. Now I’m not saying go against your gut instinct. Absolutely NO! What I am suggesting is be a bit more open to the possibility of… Whatever that of… may be.
As you can see, open is the key to change. Yes, those are my top three. What are yours? Come on BigGirlz lets change some things. When your mindset tethers on the positive, your outlook and aura follows suit.

Let’s create a 2015 thats full of adventure and lots of dating opportunities. Let’s position ourselves to receive all of the positive that’s floating out there waiting on us to recognize it’s potential. I’m ready are you?

Moving on to the next one with a yes in my spirit while taking a different route home.

Calculated Chaos

BigGirlz, I’ve taken a few months to reflect on the dating chaos (both self inflected and circumstantial) that had a grip on my dating calendar. During this time I learned a great deal. The time away solidified something both positive and not so positive regarding what could be labeled my dating style.

Let me preface this by saying my “paid” profession is Analyst. So with that being said every dinner/drink/booty call, as well as empty invites and even missed or so called “rescheduled” date was heavily scrutinize. So if you’re one of my Facebook friends and we shared one of the mentioned encounters, ummm….sorry? Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad. LOL. Remember this is about my self discovery. You were a participant by default.

So, BigGirlz have you made the time to truly evaluate your dating pattern? Have you given any thought to what you are willing to tolerate? Is each date just that a “date” or do you use it to decipher code in order to find a potential life partner?
 
Navigating dating madness was an eye opening task at best. What I discovered about myself was somewhat contrary to what I truly thought I wanted or even like so here goes…

Earlier this year, I decided to try my dating luck on one of the social media dating sites…bwaahahahahaaa. I figured why not. Sorry folks no horror stories. I found this to be quite fascinating. Yes I met a few new faces, but I also talked to several guys that I’ve known for years (Damn I guess dating is rough on everyone). What I concluded from this form of meeting/introduction is I’m nowhere near as liberal as I thought. I rejected 90% percent of the profiles simply due to what just may have been bad photography. Word to the wise, before posting a so called profile shot of yourself try checking out the background first. Shit like un-made beds, overflowing garbage cans and personal items scattered all over the place can instantly get your profile over looked. It’s all about camera angle. Not that I’m not a neat freak and to be honest most of the time I’m messy as hell, BUT you’d never see it in a photo. LOL!

Now once I got past what I referred to as round one the photo viewing process, round two proved to be just as annoying. I warned you, I’m an analyst by profession. It’s all a process. So on to round two, profile evaluation. Well, ugh, maybe I’m just too damn honest but some of the crap folks listed in the profiles were just a bit plastic and flat out bogus. I must say some of the verbiage was quite entertaining. One of my favorites “Real man who travels extensively looking for an honest woman who loves to travel…” simple enough right? Ok, I’ll bite. I love to travel. Curious as to where this person has visited and what’s on the list I shot him a message. Again Bwaahahahhaaa…I’ll shorten this laughable moment by simply saying after a couple of emails between us I quickly figured out his idea of “extensive travel” rarely took him 500 miles beyond his home. Didn’t even possess a passport. Trust me I have many MANY more haha stories. But I’ll just move on.

Now I was able to connect, sort of, with a couple of guys. Yep, someone made it to round three, the interaction. We shared relatively intelligent conversation; however it never progressed any further than the phone. 
 
So obviously I didn’t make a love connection using that method. As for the two or three that I shared some good conversation with, well we could tell that it wasn’t going any further and have allowed those moments to fade. (you liked that didn’t ya…lol)
 
Bottom-line, I found this method of meeting people a bit too tedious and time consuming.  I also discovered that tying to keep up with inbox messages, flirts and whatever else was just way too damn annoying. I just don’t think I’m wired for that type of interaction so BigGirlz for those of you that have not only endured this method but found success I commend you on your accomplishment.  This BigGirl just couldn’t get the feel for this method. And of course you know I had to analyze why it just didn’t work for me. You knew that was coming.

Well, I am a gut instinct type of person. For that to work properly I have to talk to you, look you in the eye or at least be close enough to sense you aura. As a general rule when I’m in the presence of a stranger (stranger danger…LOL) I can feel/sense good, bad and half-ass crazy pretty quickly. I love the personal contact. I like to be in the presence of it all.
 
As for the traditional method of meeting folks, you know grocery store, gas station, through friends and the convenient, “just happened to run into this person” (yeah right, damn stalker. That’s a post for another day), my luck has been ok. During this time what I’ve discovered is (men this may offend you and if it does then get the fuck off my page) men either don’t know what it is to truly ask someone out on a real date, have forgotten how to date, they’ve become lazy and complacent because so many women will accept any old piss poor invitation or I’m a picky bitch. Ok…yes I have bitch tendencies however I truly believe the other statements are quite valid.
 
Gentlemen, inviting me to your home for dinner, movies or to simply “hang out” is NOT an acceptable first date, at least not for me. Talking about going to dinner, a movie or even meeting for drinks means nothing if you don’t solidify the plans. In other words FOLLOW THROUGH DAMN IT!!!! I’m not going to do it for you.

I totally understand that dating or taking a woman out can be pricey however…SO WHAT. If you can’t afford it get out of the game. Side note please don’t think that if you spent $25 on me that getting some ass is automatic. First of all the price tag on my coochie is a helluva lot more expensive than that AND if I want to screw you it’s not about what you spend. Trust me if the chemistry is there I may screw you, opt for some pizza and call it a night. (That’s DEFINITELY a post for another day)

As I reflect on all of the madness, I’ve come to the conclusion that dating can be a lot of work depending on what you’re seeking. I realize I have no tolerance for lazy ass thoughts and lackadaisical attitudes. Stop freaking talking about what you want to do and just do it. “Shoulda coulda woulda is one of the biggest turnoff for me. If it doesn’t work out so what, try something or someone else.
 
I’ve been told I must be waiting on Mr. Perfect…nah I am looking for Mr. Perfect-for-Me whatever that looks like. I’m a hand full. You need to be confident in yourself to even deal with me.  So what’s my style/pattern at best I will say I expect confidence and consistency that’s it. Keep it simple. Don’t try to impress me but be impressive. Flash and glimmer means nothing to me. Most things I can do for myself and if not I have enough patience to make it happen eventually.

BigGirlz don’t get fooled or even caught up in the bullshit. Know what you want and know what you’re worth. Don’t accept any old thing. I understand it gets old being alone; always having to go out with the girls and rarely, sometimes never being able to share a moment or evening with a man. I get it but I also get being more miserable with someone who’s just not your spiritual, mental and physical match. Take the alone time to discover you. Focus on retrieving your inner joy and peace if it’s missing. Don’t expect happiness to come just because “he” shows up in your life. You need to show up to party packing your own inner smile.  

Moving on to the next one happy on my own, catch me if you can!!!!

Valentine's Day Does NOT Suck!!!!

Well BigGirlz Friday is Valentine's Day. The day of LOVE and couples, flowers and candy, broken hearts and loneliness; but it really doesn’t have to be. Why can’t this be a day of Service and helpfulness, smiles and laughter and my favorite, seafood and wine? (oh yeah!) Ya see BigGirlz, I have a different plan for my V day.

 

Now, I hesitated on writing or even commenting on this day because I’m good with Valentine’s Day but after hearing so many negative comments from various women throughout the week both bashing and dreading February 14^th, I just couldn’t keep my fingers off the keyboard. First things first, big flippin deal it’s just another day! GET OVER YOURSELF! Ok now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I can be a little more civil. Yes, I get. Being single on that particular day can be a little painstaking, especially if you are tired of being alone and you would really like to have a special someone in your life. To top it off, you’re constantly seeing women you consider to be “ugly as hell” with men. (Sorry I couldn’t resist that one) hahahaha! Like I said, yep I get it. But for me the key to making peace with Cupid’s random ass is to fall in love with me.  Sounds corny but it works. When you’re focused on improving your relationship with you, there’s not a lot of room for pining over what could be with who knows what.

 

So, what’s my plan for the day of LOVE? Well I’m glad you asked. I’m spending my day with someone I love…me of course. Godiva for lunch and Shrimp Alfredo for dinner. YUM!!!!  I would love to go out to dinner but hell, V day is on a flippin Friday and all of the restaurants will be crowded so looks like I will be cooking my own, but I’m ok with that. If I stay in then I can drink as much wine as my little heart desires (wine is a must with your seafood).   That’s it chocolate, shrimp and a big ass glass or bottle of wine. Hey don't judge me. And yes I’m excited about it too.

 

 

My point, you have to decide to have a good Valentine’s Day. Like every other day you have the power to make it a positive or a negative experience. Just enjoy the day the BigGirlz.  Screw worrying about not be having someone to spend it. Stop worrying about the hideous girl in the cubicle next to you who will probably get two or three dozen roses while you’re sitting at your desk chasing the dust bunnies off your monitor. Don’t give in to your funky feelings. You can survive, remember, it’s just a day. Besides why ruin a perfectly good Friday by sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

 

Get out, get moving and if all else fails, get plastered. Will it change your situation, why hell no but by the time you find the bottom of the bottle will it really matter?

  

I’m moving on to the next one anticipating a perfect evening with a perfect me…LOL!!!